Somewhere deep in the bowels of the Kremlin, a half-asleep apparatchik is startled to alertness as he watches Donald Trump challenge Russia to find and release Hillary Clinton’s 30,000 missing emails.

“Comrade Director …”

“We never say ‘comrade’ anymore, remember?”

“Excuse me, sir. What I mean is ‘boss.’ Boss, I have just seen the most remarkable thing on American television. Candidate Trump has asked us to discover some emails candidate Clinton sent to somebody somewhere sometime.”

“Why would he do that? What emails? How are we supposed to find them?”

“I don’t know, boss, but candidate Trump appeared to be serious.”

“As far as I can tell, candidate Trump is never serious. Why would we want candidate Clinton’s emails anyway? I believe I have read about these emails. They are all about her daughter’s wedding and potluck dinners at the local proletarian church. Besides, she has deleted them. They are of no consequence.”

“But boss, if candidate Trump thinks they are important, perhaps they may influence the upcoming American election.”

“Why would we want to do that? The Americans are doing a fine job of ruining their country by themselves. They do not need our assistance; still, President Putin may have an interest. We should alert our bosses.”

A few days later: “So, Mr. President, you have seen the report about candidate Clinton’s emails? What should we do?”

“The Americans obviously think we can hack into their electronic communications. We do not want them to learn the truth. We must trick them by writing 30,000 emails of our own as if they were candidate Clinton’s, then releasing them to the world. You have one week.”


“One week.”

Six days later: From H. Clinton; to Proletarian Methodist Church; re: Chelsing’s wedding

“Mr. Boss Pastor: I am herewith confirming my daughter Chelsing’s wedding appointment for next month at your pastorage. Chelsing will be attended by 12 bridal maids and twelve groomsons. There are to be many flowers. There will be a recepting at the pastorage after the ceremony, after which the wedding party will depart withal to my and President Clinton’s country golfing club in the country. Please confirm these arrangements as soon as


From Boss Pastor; to Mrs. President Clinton; re: Chelsing’s wedding

“There is no problem. The pastorage will to close one week in front of the wedding for prepare. We are having many dozen flowers in assorted colors import. I myself will preach the ceremony, and provide blini, borscht, caviar and vodka at the recepting, also balalaika musics. I am certain Chelsing and the bridle persons will have a grand time.”

“So, boss, was do you think?”

“Excellent work, Boris. Just 29,998 to go.”

The next day at Trump headquarters: “Gee, Don, this is really disappointing. The Russians came through with a couple of Clinton’s emails, but they really are all about Chelsing’s — er — Chelsea’s wedding. Who knew she was telling the truth?”

“I know, damn it. It just shows you can’t trust those Russians. I gave them a perfect chance to wreck her campaign, and all they could find is this harmless stuff. You’d think they could have invented something that would really hurt her.”

“Yeah. Maybe Putin isn’t as smart as we thought.”

“Well, he’s sure not as smart as I am.”

“You got that right, boss.”

Longtime columnist Fred Wolferman recently moved from Southern Pines back to his native Kansas City. Contact him by email at

(4) comments

Richard Wright

Fred - Only problem is that the Russian's did not hack Hillary's email account.

Mark Hayes

Towards the end of WWII there were those who had wanted to assassinate Hitler, Churchill put a stop to it, citing he was more of a use alive, adding Hitlers poor leadership will expedite bringing the war to an end. I believe that is how Russia, China, and all others view our own government, why attack, our own government leadership has been accomplishing this countries demise without outside influence.

Bart Boudreaux

These Dems are in some bad need of email lessons

Bart Boudreaux

Killary for Prison 2016

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Comments that violate any of the rules above are subject to removal by staff.

Thank you for Reading!

Please purchase a subscription to continue reading. Subscribe today and support local community journalism.

Digital Only Subscriptions

Thank you for visiting and supporting award-winning community journalism. Not everyone wants to have a newspaper delivered to their home, but they want to keep up with the latest news in Moore County. Click here to gain digital-only access and support local journalism.

Starting at
$1.07 for 1 day

Connect Print Subscription to Digital Access

Thank you for visiting Your Pilot subscription entitles you to unlimited digital access. Simply log in. From the home page, click on Subscription Services. Then click on "Pilot All Access Print Subscribers." It should show your phone number . If so, click "Sign Up." After a few seconds, it will take you back to the home page. Log out, then log back in. You're set! For any problems, call our customer service number at 910-693-2487 or 693-2488.

Free access for current print subscribers