Donald Trump is well-named: The undulating lacquered hair which covers his bald pate mimics the curve of Donald Duck’s bill. “Trump” contains “rump” — a synonym for the three-letter biblical term for donkey.

Oh, the embarrassment! If haute Europeans snicker at the Ugly American tramping through Versailles in Nikes and plaid shorts (and complaining that their steak tartare is under-done), what must they think of this sideshow?

By sideshow, I mean not only The Donald, but the legions propelling him to the head of the pack which numbers — is it 14 Republican presidential hopefuls?

Had he lived, imagine the biopic Phillip Seymour Hoffman could have taken to the Oscars. The life of Donald Trump (Drumpf, when his grandfather emigrated from Germany in 1885) was not a smooth upward climb, according to Wikipedia — which, given the subject, seems a logical source.

Yes, he graduated from Wharton, but only after being dismissed from prep school for behavior problems, which were straightened out at a military academy. Or not. He didn’t walk five miles to school or wear hand-me-downs or earn pocket money bagging groceries. His yellow brick road leading to billionairedom is strewn with corporate corpses.

But who cares about whether his billions, disputed post financial disclosure, approach 4, 7 or 10? According to the Beatles, “money can’t buy me love.” But it sure can buy a political campaign, therefore votes.

Old song, last hummed by Joe Kennedy. Therein lies the problem – an element of the electorate that cannot see beyond the rhetoric, the hoopla. They are the scary ones – the Bachmannites and Palinistas — now praising Trump for “saying it like it is” without considering what he is saying, like “I’d bomb the hell out of oilfields in Iraq” to defeat ISIS.

You can bet that any guy who shouted those words in an airport departure lounge would be denied boarding and dragged off by Homeland Security. Yet a serious (?) POTUS candidate rants the same before cheering multitudes.

Good thing he owns a private 757. Seemingly the worst booboo — the one he can’t wiggle out of — was branding illegal Mexican immigrants, with few exceptions, as rapists, purveyors of crime and drugs. Donnie Dearest, where have you been this past year of racial turmoil? Must you ignite another fire? Didn’t TV stardom teach you instant replay lasts forever?

Or maybe you’re indifferent, since those illegals you mistakenly profiled can’t vote. But, alas, the takeaway turned sour, per reaction from not only fellow-Republicans but beauty pageant lovelies, Latina and otherwise, who have served as arm ornaments and eye candy throughout your reign.

Speaking of the ladies, consider how staunchly conservative, church-going, apple-pie eating Middle Americans will view serial wives and gal pals, none of whom resemble Mamie Eisenhower or Bess Truman.

Chances are that Trump’s closets are well-stocked with skeletons.

Poor Donald. He turns 70 in June. Not even Italy’s finest tailor or Hollywood’s best esthetician can hide the signs. Maybe he heard that 70 is the new 50, excusing a midlife crisis, like fomenting a rebellion against statesmanship, common sense and core values — to the eternal gratitude of “SNL.”

Or, maybe somebody should just tell him that the best thing he can do for the Republican Party — and his country — is toss them a few billion, sit down, and shut up.

Postscript: Since I wrote this last week, Trump has accomplished a feat unique in military history. He planted a land mine, then stomped on it. At a Family Leadership Summit in (crucial) Iowa, during a severe bout of poor judgment compounded by hubris and a bad hair day, Trump debunked John McCain’s six-year imprisonment/torture in Vietnam, denying him the “war hero” title. This, from a guy who beat the draft with a sore foot.

What’s worse, on Monday morning (after being crucified by fellow-Republicans all weekend), he denied his words on a clip that NBC’s Matt Lauer had just played — then blamed Savannah Guthrie for the whole palaver. Is this the man anybody wants in charge of pushing the panic button?

Wild-eyed, shouting, irrational, practically foaming at the mouth —- somebody please call the paddy wagon before this presidential hopeful implodes, explodes or busts a gut.

(9) comments

Deborah Salomon

Nowhere have you read that I am "a good Democrat."
I am neutral, a true independent. Have already applied satire to Hillary and Bernie, in these pages, maybe you missed.
As for Bernie...he was mayor of the town (then US Rep., then Senator) where I lived and worked for 21 years. I know him quite well. And I'm not posting any opinions other than what has already been published in Op-Ed.
Enjoy this beautiful day...before somebody drops another bombshell.
The End.

Mark Hayes

Your a good Democrat, you should be questioning your own candidates integrity, seems some discrepancies have resurfaced and do not appear to be going away soon, Trump may have shot himself in both feet, but he is still standing, and doing pretty good for a man with two bad feet, Hillary on the other hand is taking on incoming and running out of bunkers to hide in, soon she will be fully exposed, she will not talk her way out of this mess. Uh-oh Bernie will all you have left, good luck with that one.

Deborah Salomon

FYI: Yesterday, Trump shot himself in the other foot by banning the influential, much-awarded Des Moines Register from an Iowa event because he objected to a negative editorial...the First Amendment notwithstanding. Uh-oh. If he comes to NC, guess I need not apply for press credentials.

Mark Hayes

You will never get a senior Democrat to turn on one of their own, but with Hillary's baggage and Donald's flamboyant outburst it would be a colorful and entertaining race with these two as adversaries, although she would be less combative with Trump since he is a wealthy donor to her and Bills little shell organization.

Roger Glass

I find it comical that the author is blasting one of 15 or so candidates from the republican ticket for all sorts of flaws when the #1 Dem candidate (out of 3) has just become a target of the DOJ. Perhaps Ms. Salomon can pen a subsequent editorial on the virtues of Hillary.

Deborah Salomon

Did I miss something? Last time I checked, only 50 states.

Frank Staples

Yes, Deborah, you certainly did appear to miss something. Pappy's comment was right on the nose and it soared over your head. Hint: go back and check obumma's campaign speeches...or simply google his "states" remark.

Keith Miller

So after all that Ms Salomon...are you saying, as of right now, you are planning to support and vote for The Donald ?? At least wait until The Donald has visited and given a speech in all 58 states like the obama did before you make your final decision !!!!

Mark Hayes

Chose a soft target with this article, especially liked the " donkey " synonym part, with that likeness to Donald Ducks bill, shows a depth of journalistic professionalism that could only be found until now written on the outhouse walls of a shrimp boat. Your a good Democrat for not seeing the faults in our illegal immigration laws, I mean if they can't vote and all, what is the problem? Yes Donald is irrational, have not seen him foaming at the mouth yet, as for the paddy wagon, well he will leave but it will be by a chauffeured limo, he may go but he will take many with him, of course they will not be riding with Donald, that is unless they pay.

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