Imagine, if you will: You’re driving along the road, minding your own business, when you pull up behind one of those great big pickups that would be very useful hauling feed and seed or towing a horse trailer, but which is way too clean and unscratched to have ever seen an actual farm.

As you prepare to pass this wheeled behemoth, your car is suddenly enveloped in a cloud of choking black smoke that causes you to weave dangerously. As you fight your way clear of the blinding cloud, you see the truck pulling off and faintly hear the derisive laughter of its occupants.

Congratulations. You’ve just encountered some Good Americans who are patriotically protesting against Obama’s fascist nanny state by engaging in a practice they call “Rolling Coal.”

Are you the kind of “conservative” who thinks that the first question that needs to be answered when analyzing a political position is, “Will this annoy liberals?”

Are you the type of person who, if the First Lady comes out in favor of something like, say, healthy meals and exercise, immediately starts howling that your rights are being violated worse than those of Jews in the Holocaust and declare your intention to stuff as much junk as possible into your face because that’ll show them, by golly?

Are you the type of person who’s decided to shop every week at Hobby Lobby, even though you’ve never shopped there before and you don’t actually have any hobbies, but you want to show those danged feminazis that you’re not taking any of their guff?

In short, are you a massive wingnut jackass?

Well, you could always run for a Republican congressional seat. But if that seems like too much trouble and/or expense, then maybe Rolling Coal is for you.

Get yourself a big ol’ truck, go to an Internet site like Dieselhub.com or one of those magazines aimed at truck aficionados, and order you some “smoke switches,” “aggressive tuners and modules,” and “special injectors” which will, and I quote, “trick your engine into thinking it needs more fuel.”

This will allow you to blow out a huge cloud of black smoke on command when you encounter, say, a Prius or other hybrid. (You can even get a sticker along with your gear that says “Prius Repellent.”)

But don’t stop there. You can also use your new gizmos to smoke people with liberal bumper stickers. Or bicyclists. Be sure to use your smartphone to record your hilarious encounters with those enemies of all that is free and good about America.

Then you can join the Coal Rollers on YouTube, where your fellow freedom fighters have posted videos of their blows against The Man, a category which includes the aforementioned Prius drivers, liberal bumper sticker displayers, and cyclists, as well as cops and pretty girls walking by the side of the road (because nothing gets a woman hotter than having acrid toxic gases blown in her face by a truck the size of small aircraft carrier).

Of course, you knew that once a few brave souls began spewing The Black Cloud of Liberty in everyone’s face, Obama’s Islamocommiefascist Iron Fist of Doom was going to come down to crush it the way the Chinese crushed the flowers of freedom in Tiananmen Square.

The jackbooted thugs of the EPA have issued one of their fatwas, saying, “It is a violation of the Clean Air Act to manufacture, sell, or install a part for a motor vehicle that bypasses, defeats, or renders inoperative any emission control device.”

Translated into American, that means that after-market devices intended to increase fuel consumption and belch clouds of pollution into people’s faces are regarded as illegal by Obama’s EPA. This is how freedom dies, my friends.

If there’s one silver lining for the right, it’s that the Republicans in the House finally may have found the grounds for bringing the Articles of Impeachment they’ve been feverishly fantasizing about for so long. I mean, to heck with requiring some sort of “high crime or misdemeanor” as grounds to impeach. You just do NOT mess with a man’s truck.

(5) comments

Mark Hayes

It's all he has, he has worn the tread off these tired articles that all have already seen on the news, or read about, remember he is not a journalist, as he advertises with each article, he lives, writes and practices @ law.

jerry hart

With all the issues that are going on concerning the Administration, Rusty has written 2 articles over the last few weeks that have to do with less than .001% of Republicans. This one and the article about a similar obscure element of the Republican party.

How effective to ignore the IRS issue, the Immigrant Crisis (sorry-meant to say situation), the Bengazi issue that keeps coming back up, the Bergdahl swap that still makes no sense, The Middle East in crisis while Obama is fund raising again, and on and on.

Rusty, just Pick up any newspaper (not Time Magazine) and read the front page and it will give you material to write a column that interests Pilot Readers.

Frank Staples

You're right, Francis...it was probably Jimmy H.

Mark Hayes

It takes a jackass to know a jackass.

Frank Staples

Well Dusty, you got me again...I saw the headline and thought you were actually going to write something about trucks...maybe even the kind of awesome four wheel drive rigs that I saw on my recent trip to Moab, Utah! But no, you let your hatred come boiling to the top again about Republicans, or Conservatives. Sorry your home training didn't take ( and knowing your family I do know you had a good up-bringing with a loving family) but then all the shooters recently have been described as good kids, local boys who had bad experiences somewhere in the growing up process and got their filthy hands on an "easily obtained" gun and the gun made them magically go bad and go out and shoot someone...usually another good kid simply trying to sell some pharmaceuticals. It happens, but I've actually been told that you also were a "good kid" coming from a good family with a good up-bringing...what happened along the way, Dusty, to cause this good kid to go all hatey with the right wingers??? Who did you hang around with on the street corners to develop all this hatred? Couldn't have been George Little, because he turned out pretty good on the right side of the fence!! Who was it, Dusty, that turned you to the Dark Side??? Was it Paul, or Jimmy?? Probably not because Paul was in the Navy...but wait, it could have been Jimmy!! Was it Jimmy, that turned you into a hating kind of guy, Dusty???

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Comments that violate any of the rules above are subject to removal by staff.

Thank you for reading!

Please purchase a subscription to continue reading. Subscribe today and support local community journalism.

Digital Only Subscriptions

Get 24-7 digital-only access and support award-winning community journalism. This gives you access to thepilot.com and its electronic replica edition.

Starting at
$5.35 for 30 days

Already a Print Subscriber? Get Digital Access Free.

As a print subscriber , you also receive unlimited digital access. You can do that here. For any problems, call our customer service number at 910-693-2487 or 693-2488.

Free access for current print subscribers

Home Delivery

Get all the news of Moore County delivered to your home each Wednesday and Sunday with home delivery. Your home delivery subscription also includes unlimited digital access to thepilot.com.

Starting at
$27.82 for 90 days