I confess to being a long-term sufferer of Trump Derangement Syndrome. At first, I thought this “syndrome” was a lame attempt by Republican pundits to actually make a joke. But I am beginning to realize that “Trump Derangement Syndrome” is, sadly, real in light of how this “stable genius” has graced America and the world.
There is indeed a widespread irrational contempt for Donald Trump, an especially perverse posture in light of and all he has sacrificed for America, indeed for the world. I am beginning to see the light. Perhaps before Trump is forced to leave office — whether impeached, voted out of office or snatched away in a butterfly net — I can repent and be converted.
Lindsay Graham was converted. Why not a lesser being such as I?
Senator Graham once spoke of Trump as a “race baiting, xenophobic bigot” and “the world’s biggest jackass”; a “wrecking ball”; a “salesman of fear”; a politician “unfit for office”; “whose ideas are pure gibberish” and “who is incapable of representing a mattress company”; a politician whose “tweets are beneath the dignity of the presidency”; a “poor representation of a Republican” who will issue “a death blow to the GOP’s relationship with Hispanics and women.”
If Graham can be knocked off his high horse like Paul on his way to Damascus and discover that Trump is actually a “thoughtful, good, and strong person,” a golfer with “an accurate drive and an athletic swing,” and a “potential recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize,” well, daggonit, maybe I can too.
Of course, any meaningful conversion will require a period of re-education and ritual atonement, beginning with the requisite rending of garments and ashes thrown over my head. Punishment will no doubt be meted out by the cruelest means, such as forced viewing of Fox TV and the voices
I have cravenly avoided for, well, forever — snooty scolds like Laura Ingraham, Tucker Carlson, and Sean Hannity.
Sleep deprivation will certainly
be part of my re-education.
Nightly high-volume recordings of Rush Limbaugh’s greatest screeds, like Obama’s Kenyan citizenship and Hillary’s emails, should do the trick.
Relocation is another conversion tactic. I hope not to be relocated to one of the camps where we cage asylum seekers and their children. But, whatever it takes. Clearly, after a long course of re-education, I will have to make a public renunciation of my previously held beliefs. I will, for example, be required to state that:
n I no longer believe Trump is hiding his tax returns or using the White House to enrich himself and his family.
n I no longer believe his tax cuts favored the super-rich and placed our economy at risk. (Our economy is on solid ground. No recession on the horizon. Repeat 10 times daily.)
n I no longer believe that Trump is a danger to our global environment, and that his calls to rejuvenate the fossil fuel industries, dig for oil in previously protected wildlife areas, encourage fracking and abandon the Paris accords on climate change were bad. All good.
n I no longer believe the 19 women who have accused Trump of sexual assault. Or that he paid off porn stars and mistresses. Nor do I any longer believe that Trump said the things he said on the “Access Hollywood” tape. All fake.
n I no longer believe that Trump has lied to the American people more than 12,000 times since his presidency began. Those are lies made up by the media which, by the way, should be shut down or held liable for all the nasty things they have said about Trump. (Even some Fox newscasters are betraying him. Jiminy Cricket!)
And by the way, in spite of the more than 100 documented contacts the Trump campaign had with Russians, and despite the indicted Russians and Trump campaign workers and employees, I no longer believe Trump and his son and son-in-law had anything unseemly to do with the Russians. They just wouldn’t do it. Nope.
And, what if he did collude? Trump only wants peace with Russia. Why else would he turn on our allies and abase himself in the presence of an old KGB guy like Putin? He’s only trying to get on his good side for the sake of world peace. That’s why he held his Miss Universe contest in Moscow. Rumors of money changing hands or salacious tales are totally unfounded. It all makes sense now.
Finally, would a stand-up guy like Mike Pence and his wife (“Mother”) have stood behind Trump these past few years if there were anything untoward in Trump’s moral hemisphere? No way.
In conclusion, I no longer believe the things I see, hear, taste, touch or smell. I believe only Trump.
I think I’m cured of TDS!
William Shaw, of Pinehurst, is the author of “Fellowship of Dust: Retracing the WWII Journey of Sergeant Frank Shaw.”