Surely our children and grandchildren must wonder as they channel-surf why so many TV stations show the same program starring a big guy with a funny hairdo, whose finger is stuck in the upright position. Should the kids pause and listen, here’s what they’ll learn. And what they’ll say about it.

Money talks. This guy brags more than a Super Bowl QB, mostly about his money, which buys him big airplanes and castles and limos. He has enough moola to pay for a whole political campaign and says that’s good, because he doesn’t owe contributors anything. Too bad he doesn’t answer to anyone, either.

Money talks — loud. He’s always shouting, which we kids aren’t supposed to do. He interrupts grownups, very rude, and answers questions with stuff that has nothing to do with the question. Wonder if that would work on a history test? If the teacher asks about the Civil War, just describe the Boston Tea Party.

It’s OK to use bad language because the TV blips it out, forgetting that kids learn to lip-read watching basketball games.

Maybe this TV star uses bad words, but he taught us a few that will be helpful on the SAT vocabulary section, like “xenophobia.” Thanks to him, we know what “pursed lips” are and what “bombast” means.

Always blame a fight on somebody else.

The more baby-mommas, the better, as long as they are really, really pretty and never act like smarty-pantsuits.

In our school, kids aren’t allowed to make fun of people with disabilities, or short people, or people who are overweight. Oh boy, would we get in trouble. We’re not even allowed to say “fat,” let alone “idiot” or “stupid.” Our principal cracks down especially hard on bullies. So how come this guy gets to scream them in public — and the audience claps?

Lying’s fine. Fact-checkers and instant replay don’t count. If you get mixed up and say the wrong thing, blame it on the ear bud.

Twitter rules.

Muslims are bad, bad people. This guy says “things are going on” in the mosques, besides praying. Go home, Muslims! But what if their home is North Carolina, and their kids play on our softball team?

Mexicans are even worse. They take our daddies’ jobs and shoot our friends and do something bad to our sisters. Does that mean I can’t joke around with the nice man in the restaurant? Or smile at the nurse in my doctor’s office? Or take a cold Coke to the fella who mows the lawn?

Make enemies, not friends. One insult is worth a thousand kindnesses. Stomp on people who disagree with you. Screw (well, he says it!) your business associates. Dump on weaker guys. Then hire a platoon of attorneys to make the consequences go away.

Always repeat what you say. This takes up time, so you don’t have to say as much, which means you don’t have to know anything. I once got a pencil and kept track of his repetitions for my civics project. He must think we’re deaf — or stupid. (Well, he says it, and he’s running for president!)

Don’t kiss babies, even if you are running for president. They might spit up on your shiny blue suit, or worse.

I thought only basketball players were judged by the size of their hands.

But, still, this is America, where the 30-year-old inventor of Facebook is worth $48.4 billion — enough to let him get by with wearing a hoodie everywhere. I think my buddies and I will get together on Saturday and invent a computer game. How about Trumpster Gallactica or Democ-Rats Revenge? How about creating a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon in his image? And then, with no experience except last man on the middle-school debate team, I’ll run for president.

That should give you some idea of what kids take away from TV overkill. Like, anybody who ridicules others, exaggerates figures and blames the media for absolutely everything can aspire to high office — as long as he isn’t short, ugly, female, truthful, or born in Canada. Or Kenya.

Because, in the end, money trumps all.

Contact Deborah Salomon at

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