October 15, 2011
I went shopping yesterday for a few fall rags. My age hasn't prevented me from mild trendiness...at least not yet. So I reconnaissanced the one department and several off-price stores hoping, praying that the tucked-front blouses that made grannies (12-year-olds, too) look pregnant had run their course. I found a few. But the rest was even more disturbing. Examples: Bat wings belong on bats, not sweaters. If you can find a fashion-forward bat-wing garment in black -- grab it. You'll be set for Halloween, forever. Bulky sweaters with enormous cowl necks look cozy-warm. So why the short sleeves? If it's cold enough for a thick sweater, you'll need those arms covered. I asked the salesperson about this and was told that I should buy a skinny long-sleeved T-shirt, which adds another $20 to the purchase. Also, most are too long to fit over pants. Leggings, please. I had my say about shoes in the current PIneStraw. Platform stilletos are just too comical. I'd rather break my ankle or shatter my knee running or skiing. What's left? Flats. Most have no heel whatsoever. They make me feel like I'm standing in a pothole. Others are constructed on a low, ugly wedge made of molded bubble gum. Clogs still rule. I'm tired of clogs except at airport security. They are heavy, clunky and easy to lose going down stairs. Scarves survived the summer. In my opinion, only women of a certain height (about four inches above mine) should wrap these voluminous, fringed, ruffled, metallic-threaded, gorgeously hued lengths around their necks. They look stunning. Otherwise, stay away from white and beiges to avoid the mummy look. Finding a nightgown wasn't easy. Today's women sleep in sleep pants with coordinating tops. Don't call them pajamas, also relegated to the granny rack. If I wanted to sleep in pants and a top, rather than spend $25 I'd substitute sweats and a t-shirt. Handbags remain outrageous. Some sport two pounds of bling. Others go crazy with colors. I'm no shrinking violet but would never' appear in public carrying shiny yellow vinyl. Another fashion in its second year: Flyaway tops, the mother of batwing sweaters. I'm scared of getting the long, draggy piece of fabric caught in the car door. Which reminds me of Isadora Duncan's death by scarf. I came home empty-handed which isn't so bad. I've got plenty of jeans and now, no bills.