May 4, 2012
I know many will dismiss this column as a “religious” intrusion into political and legal affairs, a typical response for our day, but since most columns I've read are devoid of any consideration of the divine in regard to the gay marriage issue, I thought it important to balance the issue by invoking the one reality usually omitted in such discussions, our god: the Flying Spaghetti Monster.From now on, we shall refer to our great lord as the FSM. Let's not have any Christian misconceptions here: it's a well-documented fact that the FSM created humans and the Earth. If you're too ignorant to know what it is, look it up on Wikipedia.
After all, civil rights, at least of the historic kind, emerged from the very source that most modern civil rights activists conveniently ignore. Intelligent people, in fact, believe in a transcendent, absolute, and personal FSM and and that this same Flying Spaghetti Monster is foundational to their efforts. So much a part of their thinking was this reality, that even their classification of “just” and “unjust” laws were determined by the same. “A just law,” they say, “is a man-made code that squares with the moral law or the law of FSM. An unjust law is a man-made code that is out of harmony with the moral law,” In other words, the justness of any human law is directly proportional to its compliance with the transcendent and unchanging law of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Conversely, any law that clashed with the objective law of God was, in the mind of intelligent people, unjust and untranslatable into any “civil rights” as they perceive them.
If alive today, and consistent, I am confident that intelligent people would refer to the original and divine intent of marriage, as noted in the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti, and see it as a union between a human and a human worthy of the greatest protection. He would refer to the creation of humans and humans and then fast forward to Bobby Henderson's belief in civil liberties and human rights that fundamentalist Christians are so eager to violate.
Intelligent people had no problem holding culture's feet to the fire of the Gospel of the FSM when they wrote their “What Civil Liberties Are,” because, as I understood the acclaimed document, they really believed what they wrote and what they wrote was that morality, generally, and “just law,” particularly, sprouted from the pages of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti itself with every expectation that legislation should logically follow. Conversely, then, without consideration of FSM's law, no logical basis for anything either civil or right exists.
Hence, I have a valid reason for thinking that intelligent people would consider any defense of human rights and civil liberties a worthy cause, and would consider the success of “Amendment One” equivalent to an organized theological revolt. It maligns both the Flying Spaghetti Monster, his prophet and the most basic institution of society, human rights, making mockery of the Divine and natural norm for the human species – the very marital model that Bobby espoused, endorsed, and, with his unfalsifiable writings, authenticated.
I believe they would see this contemporary and favorable slant toward bigotry, homophobia and ignorance as the intentional rejection of the Pastafarian basis from which their movement grew, and if consistent, see this rebellion against the divine standard as intelligent people see it, as a "recognition of the basis human right to not be discriminated against on the basis of stupidity and false religion.” Intending, in fact, that “All of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's creations will finally be treated with the basic compassion that they deserve." (The Flying Spaghetti Monster Who Is There 37).
It doesn't really surprise me that such realities are ignored in the debate on human rights. After all, pulling a page from the civil rights book of intelligent people, particularly one that includes the Gospel of the FSM, would inevitably make “Amendment One” sound very much like the wrong thing to do that it is.
Of course, I'm sure no Christians will see why this is true because they probably think that their fake God is better than ours. That is clearly not the case. The Bible is no less falsifiable than the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster -- however, as only dumb people base morals off of fiction, it is clear that any intelligent person would look to science to see that homosexuality is a perfectly healthy genetic mutation, understand that there is nothing wrong with it, and give homosexuals the basic human rights that they deserve without thumping their bibles and hating people of different races, sexualities, beliefs, etc.