Be Afraid - Robots Are Coming | The Pilot: Southern Pines, NC

Sunday, March 10, 2013

As I may have pointed out before, I fear robots. Oh, sure, they're helpful now, or so they and their creators would have us believe, but I know better. They have plans, I tell you. Big plans. Plans for world domination.

Take, for example, the various attempts to create a robot bartender. The first one, developed at Carnegie Mellon University's Robotics Institute, used sophisticated programming to navigate behind a simulated "bar" in the lab, fetching a limited menu of drinks and snacks selected from a tablet on the bar and placing them before the "customer."

The mechanized publican moved with a ponderous slowness and finally delivered its libations with a flat and emotionless affect, but it was still a heck of a lot faster and friendlier than the bartenders at the Grand Hyatt in New York.

Meanwhile, a group of geeks working under the highly appropriate name of Party Robotics have given us Bartendro, which is decidedly less mobile and completely nonverbal, but which can make "dozens of drinks, including black Russians, Kahlua mudslides, or almost any other classy beverage of your choosing," according to an article on wired.com.

Sounds cool, you say? Sure it does. That's all part of the plot. Read on. Once you're confuzzled by robotically mixed White Russians, maybe you'd like some music. Here, again, the 'bots are taking over.

Compressorhead is an all-robot band from Australia made up of a four-armed drummer named Stickboy; a guitarist with 78 fingers named, of course, Fingers; and the self-described "highest precision bass player in known existence," an automaton named Bones. They play tunes like Motorhead's "Ace of Spades" and the Ramones' "Blitkrieg Bop." Since they haven't yet developed a robot singer, the lyrics are projected on a screen behind the band, at least until someone tracks down and finds some way to upload that guy who sang "Cars" back in the '80s.

So what, you think? A few drinks, some hard rock 'n' roll, what could be better? Well, friends, that's just to lull you into a false sense of security until they bring out Big Dog II.

You may remember a few months ago I told you about Big Dog, Boston Dynamics' project for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. It's an eerie-looking headless robot "mule" with four insect-like legs, designed to carry loads to and from the battlefield.

Well, those fiends have been putting in long hours in their mad-scientist laboratory, making "improvements." Now, called the Legged Squad Support System, the Son of Big Dog has the capability to follow you. Yes, you heard right. According to Geekologie.com, "This thing doesn't need to be remote controlled. It's smart enough to go along its human masters. Apparently, it's also intelligent enough to follow paths and work in tandem with his robotic brothers."

Supposedly, this allows the hauler to follow its team, carrying ammo, food, and other supplies on its back like a horse, for miles and miles without refueling. Relentless. Remorseless. No matter how far or how fast you run, it will be right there behind you. Scared yet?

Oh, and remember how I said that the original Big Dog didn't have a head? Well, the new model does. Or maybe it's a tail. Whatever it is, it has a big claw at the end of a long "neck" where a head (or tail) would be. And what does it do with that claw? It picks up and throws large and heavy objects, such as cinderblocks, up to 17 feet.

Boston Dynamics refers to the technique as "dynamic manipulation," which uses the "strength of the legs and torso to help power motions of the arm." I call it the beginning of the end. I've seen the video of this bruiser in action, and, like a digital Paul Revere, I'm here to warn you.

Mark my words. It's just a matter of time before that fateful night when the friendly robot bartender gets us all nice and mellow to the background accompaniment of a real metal band - but their robot buddies will be waiting for us out there in the parking lot, ready to follow us home, run us down and do us in with "dynamically manipulated" cinderblocks upside our heads.

They are coming. ...

Dusty Rhoades lives, writes and practices law in Carthage. Contact him at dustyr@nc.rr.com.

More like this story

dustyrhoades 2 months, 1 week ago

Dynamic Robot Manipulation by BostonDynamics

dustyrhoades 2 months, 1 week ago

Compressorhead Blitzkrieg Bop by TheRobocross1

dentman65 2 months, 1 week ago

AS LONG AS THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE MY EX-WIFE I WON'T BE TOO AFRAID!

JimRussell44 2 months, 1 week ago

Unfortunately, the most diabolical of all robots are us. We've each been programmed to wear blinders, spout our positions and ignore any outside input. If only we could be more like my all time favorite robot, Number 5 from the movie Short Circuit.

RmeMP 2 months, 1 week ago

robots and machinery certainly can play a useful role, what i dont like is when we become dependant on them, or when they start replacing jobs that could have gone to a human.

damned self checkout machines for one. each time someone uses a self checkout, they are replacing some young person who could be working their first job.

LadyLynda 2 months, 1 week ago

If all the new robots looked like clowns - Kramer would never sleep!

dentman65 2 months, 1 week ago

Dusty - I think I read somewhere that you are a musician just as I am. I always thought it sad that when computers and keyboards came into being; A movie score could be done by one man in one room. Think of all the orchestra musicians these "robots" put out of work. Everyone has seen orchestra pits where they had to have live musicians at the old movies and plays. While I enjoy some of the new music created with digital instruments, it still takes a way the human element, and the beauty of the instruments in the hands of the artists.

clarabelle 2 months, 1 week ago

" wd40 - JimRussell44 1 day, 6 hours ago Unfortunately, the most diabolical of all robots are us. We've each been programmed to wear blinders, spout our positions and ignore any outside input. Sounds like liberals."

And you................. once again ............ sound like an IDIOT!

Courseaire 2 months, 1 week ago

In binary: 01010010 01101111 01100010 01101111 01110100 01110011 00100000 01110010 01110101 01101100 01100101 00100001

JD 2 months, 1 week ago

B-but robots will bring about Post Scarcity and it will be amazing.

Toda 2 months, 1 week ago

Rogue Computer Malfunction:

RCM by a computer named, "HAL" in the movie 2001 Space Odyssey.

IBM launched one of the most advanced computers with human qualities without an interface named "Watson" trumps the best minds on Jeopardy

Now we have space probes venturing to the outer limits of our solar system ... Now enter an RCM that has one of those mischievous moments: I think we need to push a Comet into the earth. Let's see how fast the armies of the world can react?

Look out they're coming!

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
28	29	30	1	2	3	4
5	6	7	8	9	10	11
12	13	14	15	16	17	18
19	20	21	22	23	24	25
26	27	28	29	30	31	1