Rodman's Next Stop: Iran?
You have to hand it to Dennis Rodman - in the confusion of the transition from one secretary of state to another, he stepped up in a big way to help out.
Just as Kim Jong Un was raising the noise level emanating from North Korea, He of the Ornamented Face calmed the waters and opened the way for a direct phone conversation between our president and Mr. Kim. Well done, Dennis.
We can't let this diplomatic talent go unused; our new star needs another mission. I suggest Iran. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei would surely welcome Mr. Rodman with open arms:
AAK: Ah, Den-NIS, I am so glad to meet you. It is how nice of you to visit our humble country. My friend Uno (I call him Uno) tells me that you are a wonderful representative for the true American spirit.
DR: What's that thing on your head?
AAK: I beg your pardon?
DR: That big black rag, is your head cold? Oh, I get it. You must be bald.
AAK: Den-NIS, my friend (teeth grinding), the black turban is the ancient symbol of leadership in time of war. I am not bald.
DR: I could get you a nice black baseball cap. You could wear it sideways like I do. Chicks dig it.
DR: You know, babes, honeys. I bet a nose ring would help, too.
AAK: I have no need to impress these so called "chicks." I am the Supreme Leader. My women heed my every command. That is why they live in little tents with eyeholes. Strange caps and offensive jewelry will not further enhance their love for me.
DR: Well, Al, don't you get kind of tired of all that? I mean, didn't you watch the Academy Awards? Wouldn't everybody around here be happier if your girls dressed like that?
AAK: Academy Awards? I do not understand. Is this a prize for excellence in studies?
DR: Not academic awards, Academy Awards. American moviemakers get them for making films with lots of sex and violence. You'd love them. Didn't you see "Argo"? It's about Iran.
AAK: I do not see motion pictures. How can Americans make them about Iran?
DR: Oh, it was great. It's all about how the CIA sneaked some Americans out of Iran right under the nose of those crazy revolutionaries. Man, those Iranians looked like a bunch of idiots. How could anybody be that stu -
AAK: Den-NIS, do you really enjoy having those big hoops hanging from your ears?
DR: You bet! I told you already, chicks dig this stuff.
AAK: So it is necessary that you keep your ears?
DR: Well, yeah. What's your point?
AAK: Let us speak no more of this "Argo." We will both be happier.
DR: Well, uh, sure. Listen, before I go, I have a gift for you. It's a basketball. Uno loved his. He even put up a five-foot basket so he could play. Here you go.
AAK: Thank you very much, Den-NIS, but I do not play games. I have no need of a rubberized orb. My attentions are on serious matters.
DR: But really, Al, you don't look so good. You could use the exercise. How about a little one-on-one?
AAK: Den-NIS, I have no idea what you are talking of. Perhaps you should take your ball and go home.
Fred Wolferman lives in Southern Pines. Contact him by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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