Pope Gets His Exit Interview
- Print print this page
- Discuss 41 comments, Blog about
Advertisement
The scene: A tiny, cramped office in the Human Resources Department at Vatican City.
The time: Last week.
HR GUY: Come in, come in, take a seat. I promise this won't take long, sir.
SOON TO BE EX-POPE BENEDICT: I don't know why I have to do this. I didn't even know the Vatican HAD an HR department. And it's "Your Holiness," not sir.
HR GUY: Oh, right, right. Sorry, Your Holiness. It's been 600 years since a pope has left the position while still alive. We're kind of feeling our way here. "Former Holiness" just doesn't work. 'Holiness Emeritus" just sounds weird.
BENEDICT: (Frostily) I agree.
HR GUY: Oh, dear, I feel like we've gotten off on the wrong foot here. Look, Your Holiness, I know this is awkward, and I'll try to make it quick. But, you know, rules are rules. And the rules say, everyone leaving employment has to do an exit interview.
BENEDICT: A what?
HR GUY: Just a few questions to help improve our workplace environment.
BENEDICT: Our workplace environment? This is the priesthood, young man! It's a life of service, sacrifice, suffering and devotion!
HR GUY: Well ... we're trying to sort of soft-pedal that part, if you don't mind. It's really murder on the employee retention rates.
BENEDICT: Oh, for the love of...
HR GUY: What was that, Your Holiness?
BENEDICT: Never mind. Ask your questions, and let's get this over with.
HR GUY: OK, great. So why would you say you're leaving your job?
BENEDICT: I think I've made it pretty clear. I'm old. I'm not feeling well. And there are all sorts of challenges facing the Church right now. The fuss over the cover-up of sex abuse by priests, the whole Vatican Bank money-laundering thing, the giant death asteroid, the new book coming out by that Dan Brown guy ...
HR GUY: Wait, back up. Did you say something about a giant death asteroid?
BENEDICT: Did I? Dang. This is why I need to quit. I keep blurting stuff out.
HR GUY: No, really. What about the giant death asteroid?
BENEDICT: Calm down, my child. It's nothing. I totally did not have a vision in which God told me that a giant asteroid was going to wipe out 75 percent of all life on Earth at 9:17 p.m. on New Year's Eve this year and bring about a new Dark Age.
HR GUY: Oh. Whew. That's a relief.
BENEDICT: You're not very bright, are you?
HR GUY: What?
BENEDICT: Nothing. Next question.
HR GUY: What would you say was your favorite part of being pope?
BENEDICT: I'd have to say the hat. I think I really look great in hats. And the shoes, of course.
HR GUY: Oh. Yeah. About the shoes. We're going to need those back.
BENEDICT: What? Not my red shoes!
HR GUY: I'm afraid so, Your Holiness. Only the pope himself can wear the red slippers.
BENEDICT: But these are my favorite shoes ever! They're the only ones I have that don't hurt my corns! Look! Look at these feet!
HR GUY: Ahhhh! Gross!
BENEDICT: What?
HR GUY: Horrible old-man feet! Please, Your Holiness! I beg you! Put the shoes back on!
BENEDICT: So I can keep them?
HR GUY: We'll make new ones. Just ... wear the shoes around the house, OK? It'll be our little secret. But please, put them back on.
BENEDICT: OK, good.
HR GUY (shuddering): So, moving on. What was your least favorite part of the job?
BENEDICT: Hmmm. I'd say having to work on Christmas.
HR GUY: Really? You had a problem with that?
BENEDICT: Not a problem, exactly. I mean, celebrating the Midnight Mass and doing the homily for all those people is nice, but I'm looking forward to kicking back and spending a nice quiet Christmas Eve with a cup of eggnog and the "Charlie Brown Christmas" DVD.
HR GUY: Oh, that is a good one.
BENEDICT: And afterward, maybe "Die Hard."
HR GUY: I love that movie!
BENEDICT: Well, come on over to the residence this December. I'm only moving around the block a ways. We'll open a bottle of wine, watch some good TV.
HR GUY: Me, Your Holiness? I'd be so honored.
BENEDICT: Might as well. It's the last one any of us will have for a long while.
HR GUY: What?
BENEDICT: Nothing, my child. Nothing.
Dusty Rhoades lives, writes and practices law in Carthage. Contact him at dustyr@nc.rr.com.
More like this story
Advertisement
Comments
JimRussell44 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Dusty, great change of pace for all of us who could really use a nice change of pace!! Have you heard anything about what color the smoke will be if they elect a Mexican Pope?
Courseaire 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Great article Dusty - laughed all the way thru it. However, som one may write a follow-up column titled "Column Insulted Catholics".
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Coursaeire, Dan Brown teaches us that being slammed by the Church is a major boost to sales.
Thanks to you and JimRussell.
geoffcutler 2 months, 2 weeks ago
That was so funny! Next week, could you do one just like it on Islam? I'm sure Muslims would just love it.
dentman65 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Good job! Next week can you interview Dennis Rodman?
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
dentman, it's hard to parody Rodman...he's become a satire of himself. Couldn't believe they put him on "This Week" yesterday. David Brinkley's spinning in his grave.
Geoff: Thanks! Maybe you should write that column about Muslims for the Pilot.
Oh. Right. Sorry. Insensitive of me.
JD 2 months, 2 weeks ago
The bright side he is back to being Ratzinger, god may be sleeping and apparently wakes up long enough for a good joke.
And Geoff, Islam is the religion of Peace. While Catholics are the religion that touches other peoples pieces. Adult priests aren't even safe anymore.
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
JD, there IS no "Religion of Peace." Each religion has its peaceful adherents and its psychotic wackos. Some people want to tar all followers of a religion that's not theirs with the same brush, and the saddest thing is that they think everyone ELSE is a bigot. Or maybe it's that they can't have a laugh without trotting out their own pet hatreds and demanding that others share them.
teufelhunden 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Keep that in mind next time you scoff at Christians.
JD 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Some people want to tar all followers of a religion that's not theirs
Tarring is a bit much, I prefer to point and laugh at grown ups with imaginary friends. And Islam is just a peaceful as Christians. I think Buddhists and Sikhs might be the closest to being actually peaceful with others unless aggrevated. Then they just self immolate.
Now theres a good idea. If only more Muslims and Christians would self immolate to get their point across. I'm looking at you Westboro.
geoffcutler 2 months, 2 weeks ago
'Or maybe it's that they can't have a laugh without trotting out their own pet hatreds and demanding that others share them." Dusty
Gratuitous mockery and insult can be very funny, and this was. Clever too. Catholics probably loved the article. So let's see you do one on Allah and Islam. Show them your religious tolerance and what a funny guy you are. They're sure to get a rise out of it.
In fact, why don't you produce a movie making fun of Islam and see what happens. Oh...wait...that wouldn't be a good idea. The last guy to try that was jailed by the Obama administration because it set off riots throughout the Middle East which left four dead in Benghazi.
teufelhunden 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Ouch.
JimRussell44 2 months, 2 weeks ago
In my opinion, organized religion does as much harm as it does good.
PBinNC 2 months, 2 weeks ago
I thought Jim Dodson's Sunday essay on religion was excellent. I agree with JimRussell44. I have met many people in my lifetime who were devout-insert name of religion here-, who were totally intolerant of other religions or even ideas with which they did not agree. I listen to what is preached and wonder why the behavior is so different.
Bigguy 2 months, 2 weeks ago
I spent my 12-15 year old days serving as an alter boy under Father Waters at St. Anthony's, I was young cute impressionable. Nada, nothing, I mean hey I was out there for the taking. The post rejection guilt I go through ever day, the years of post traumatic rejection therapy has been very costly. As a Catholic, great story Dusty.
LadyLynda 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Why some people would take Dusty's article the wrong way, I think it portrays the Pope as what we are........human.
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Why some people would take Dusty's article the wrong way,
Haters are gonna hate. But you got the point.
The last guy to try that was jailed by the Obama administration because it set off riots throughout the Middle East which left four dead in Benghazi.
Oh, so now the Benghazi murders WERE about the movie? Funny, that hasn't been the right winger's line before now...y'all are so confused these days.
Smallville 2 months, 2 weeks ago
I wish they would change and bring some young to the pope position.
Courseaire 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Yes, someone young that already has experience with priests, bishops & cardinals.
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Yes, someone young that already has experience with priests, bishops & cardinals.
HEY-OHHHHHHHH!!!!
moonchild7 2 months, 2 weeks ago
You wrote another good one Dusty, except for the fact that there is absolutely NOTHING funny about the Catholic Church. They are just so criminally quilty of so many human atrocities, but I do appreciate your trying to be humorous. Really glad I'm not one of THEM. And the Pope is HUMAN, LadyLynda? I thought the POPE was the INFALLIBLE representation of GOD on EARTH? Do I have that one wrong? Please let me know.
Courseaire 2 months, 2 weeks ago
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
LadyLynda 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Moonchild - I hear ya! Human none the less.
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
On a beautiful spring day, three Irishmen were sitting outside the village pub, soaking up the sunshine along with their booze. Along came a nun, who proceeded to lecture them on the evils of drink. "Filthy stuff," she said, wagging a bony finger at them. "It'll lead you nowhere but to Hell!"
"Now wait a minute sister," the bravest (and drunkest) of the three said. "Have you ever tried whiskey?"
"Of course not!" the sister huffed.
"So how do you know what it's like? Here, let's have a wager. I'll buy you a whiskey. No, I'm feeling generous, let's make it a double. After you drink the whole thing, if you don't agree that a strong drink is a gift of the Almighty, sent to us to soothe our woes and increase our joys with the warm glow of good fellowship, then I'll swear off the stuff for life."
The nun pondered a bit. "Well, all right," she said. "But you can't let anyone know that I've been partaking. Have the bartender put it in a coffee cup."
"Done!" the drunkard said, and made his way inside.
"Landlord!" he called out. "A double Bushmill's, but put it in a coffee cup, if you'd be so kind."
"Ah, hell," the bartender said, "Is Sister Mary Catherine back again?"
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
And to show you I'm an equal opportunity kind of guy:
Why do you always want to invite two Baptists fishing with you?
If you just invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
teufelhunden 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Now one for Muslims and Atheists please :0
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
All the Muslim jokes I know come from this lady (don't worry, her bit's in English):
Stockholm Live - Shazia Mirza (S1E6) by StockhoImLive
My favorite form her isn't on this one: "I'm Shazia Mirza. At least that's what it says on my pilot's license." HEY-OHHHH!
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Don't know about Atheist jokes, but there's the one about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic who lies awake all night unsure if there's a Dog.
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Oh, and there's this from the Onion, September 26, 2001:
Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves In Hell.
Warning...this is not humor for the faint of heart.
Pappy 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Still laughing Mr Rhoades !!!
Themis 2 months, 2 weeks ago
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland , at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule , Greenland , for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look sexy to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump chit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Themis: I've heard that on cargo and passenger aircraft, the toilet holding tanks frequently leak; in the cold air at high altitudes a substance forms on the fuselage containing roughly equal parts of urine, feces, and the blue disinfectant that gives it its color and name, “blue ice.” When descending rapidly, chunks can break off the aircraft and litter the countryside.
See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_ice_(aircraft).
All this goes to prove that, even after the end of the Cold War, and even if you don't live near a strategic military target, you still could be hit by an ICY BM.
(Stolen from SF writer Spider Robinson, and some of you may be too young to get that reference...)
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
While we're doing religion jokes:
A Priest is in the confession booth. He hears someone enter the other side of the booth.
A little old man's voice says "Fadduh, I'm 75 years old.I'm having an affair with a beautiful 22 year old girl. We do it four, five times a day, all positions, all over the house. Oy vey, such a hot one she is! Yesterday we had a threesome with her 19 year old sister..."
Suddenly the priest recognizes the voice. "Abie? Abie Moscowitz?"
"Yah?"
"Abie, you're Jewish! how come you're telling me this?"
Abie goes "You!? I'm tellin' EVERYBODY!"
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Did you hear about the Buddhist hot dog stand? They can make you one with everything.
JimRussell44 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Now this is the kind of discussion we should be having all the time!! A man sees a kid with a box of kittens. He goes over to the child and comments how cute the kittens are. Oh, thank you, sir, they're Christian kittens says the lad. A week or so later, the man again sees the boy with his box of kittens and remarks that they are just the nicest kittens he's ever seen. Yes, agrees the boy, they're really good atheist kittens. Wait a minute, replies the man, last week you said they were Christian kittens. That's true, says the boy, but now they have their eyes open.
Courseaire 2 months, 2 weeks ago
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The redneck opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death also.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunch!"
dentman65 2 months, 2 weeks ago
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees !
What a powerful river !
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13 foot Kodiak bear beginning to charge toward him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest he tried to run even faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to deliver a killing blow.
"OH MY GOD !" he pleadingly screamed.
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the powerful river stopped flowing.
A brilliant light shone upon the man and a thunderous voice came from all around, "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS. YOU TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST. YOU EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER? "
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years and under these circumstances but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian? "
"VERY WELL" said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.
The huge bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed and spoke............ "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
Courseaire 2 months, 2 weeks ago
In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions to keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognise the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings are larger, have little bells in it, and smell like pepper.
dentman65 2 months, 2 weeks ago
Wonderful!
dustyrhoades 2 months, 2 weeks ago
During a terrible flood, a minister was driven to his roof to get away from the rising water. He got on his knees and prayed, "dear Lord, save me from this terrible flood." His prayer was interrupted by a man rowing a boat. "Come on," the man called. "Get in the boat." "No," the minister said, "I have faith that God will save me!"
He continued to pray as the water rose higher: "Dear Lord, I know it is not by the hand of Man that I will be delivered, but by Your divine Providence. Please, Lord, spare me from the water." He was interrupted again, this time by a man in a motorized launch. "I'll throw you a rope," the man said.
"No," the minister answered, "You're just sent by the Devil to test my faith. The Lord will deliver me with His mighty hand. just as he did the Israelites at the Red Sea."
He began praying again, as the water lapped around his knees. "Dear Lord," he said, "I have kept my faith in Thee. Please save me." He was interrupted a third time by the sound of a helicopter, lowering a man down with a rescue harness. 'Go away, Tempter!" the minister shouted. "I have faith that the Lord will send me a miracle!"
A few minutes later, the pious man drowned.
He found himself standing before the Celestial Throne, looking upon the face of the Almighty. "Lord," he said, "I kept the faith! Why didn't you send me a miracle?!"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" the Voice thundered from the Throne. "I SENT YOU TWO BOATS AND A HELICOPTER, YOU SCHMUCK!"
JD 2 months, 2 weeks ago
An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”
and...
by JD