Golf Is No Game, It's Just Evil
Golf is not a game. A game is fun. There is no fun in golf.
The more you love golf, the more it hates you. Golf is torture.
Golf is a temptress. It will lead you to the cup, but will never let you drink.
There was a time when I was a lot younger that I thought I would be able to make golf a game and maybe even play it. I shot 72 a couple of times and thought, yes, this is the Golf Heaven I’ve been seeking. But the next time out I shot 92 and the demons were back.
I have sacrificed dozens of new Maxflis at the altar of the Golf Devils in an effort to placate them, but to no avail.
I have neglected the BW and snarled at my dog Dodger after frustrating rounds. Whatever the holiday may be and my kids drop hints as to what I’d like as a gift, I always scream, “More Maxflis!”
Instead of learning how to hit one of those coveted soft draws, I cold shank it. Instead of a power fade, I top it into a water hazard.
Despite my obvious lack of talent, however, I have learned a few things about this so-called game over the years. Such as:
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
There is no such thing as a friendly wager.
Golf is a game of stages, and those stages are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.
The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.
It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.
If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.
Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 10 miles backward.
One good shank deserves another.
It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.
No golfer ever swung too slowly.
No golfer ever played too fast.
One birdie is a hot streak.
No matter how badly you’re playing, it’s always possible to play worse.
Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.
Any change in your swing works for three holes.
The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching. Let me hit a shot within 50 yards of a guy raking pine cones and I’ll guarantee you a picture-book shank.
Never teach golf to your wife.
Never play your son for money.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
The less skilled the player sharing your cart, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
The statute of limitation on forgotten strokes is two holes.
Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.
Confidence evaporates in the presence of fairway water.
It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.
Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
The rake is always on the other side of the bunker.
The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.
The nearest sprinkler head will always read “Rainbird.”
And the day I can feel that next 72 in my bones is the day the golf shop has run out of Maxflis.
You think golf is a game? I pity you.
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