Beware the Girl Scout Conspiracy
Beware: When you bought those Girl Scout cookies last month, you may have been inadvertently helping to finance the liberal homosexual aborto-fascist agenda.
At least that's what Indiana state Rep. Bob Morris seems to be afraid of.
Morris recently refused to join in a resolution in the Indiana State House to honor 100 years of Girl Scouting. In a letter to his fellow Republicans, he explained why: "After talking to some well-informed constituents, I did a small amount of Web-based research, and what I found is disturbing."
(Note: When someone confidently cites "a small amount of Web-based research" as his basis for an opinion, get ready for big laughs ahead).
The Girl Scouts (and their British cousins the Girl Guides), Morris' "research" revealed, "have entered into a close strategic affiliation with Planned Parenthood," though "you will not find evidence of this on [their] website - in fact, the websites of these two organizations explicitly deny funding Planned Parenthood."
Well, of course. The fact that they deny an association is just more proof that there is one. Anybody who knows enough to make himself a tinfoil hat knows that.
Wait, it gets better.
"Abundant evidence," Morris reports, "proves that the agenda of Planned Parenthood includes sexualizing young girls through the Girl Scouts, which is quickly becoming a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood."
Wow. I didn't know that Planned Parenthood had a "tactical arm." The whole thing raises the specter of fresh-faced, heavily armed, pre-teen girls in sashes fast-roping down from black helicopters to round up our helpless womenfolk and force-feed them RU-486 abortion pills and lesbian porn.
"Tagalong, this is Thin Mint 6. We have secured the perimeter. Operation Baby Bust is under way. Over!"
Morris cites the fact that the "radically pro-abortion" first lady of the United States, Michelle Obama, serves as the honorary national president of the GSA. Of course, so has every first lady since 1917, so I guess they were all in on the conspiracy too. I'm so disappointed in Laura Bush, but you know, I always did think Bess Truman was up to something. Now I know she was probably pushing the radical pro-abortion agenda while Harry wasn't looking.
Within a few days after Morris' letter was printed in the The Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette, it was obvious that he was feeling a little heat, and by "heat," I mean widespread derision, even from his own party. House Speaker Brian Bosma, also a Republican, responded to Morris' lunacy by bringing Girl Scout cookies into the House floor and passing them out.
When finally cornered by reporters, Morris defiantly refused to back down. In fact, in classic wingnut fashion, he doubled down on the crazy. Asked why he thinks the Girl Scouts support abortion, Morris proved that he'd learned from his time on the Internet. He trotted out one of the classic dodges of the dishonest debater when asked for proof of a wild accusation: "Look it up yourself." Also known as, "I'm not your Google monkey."
People, said Morris, should "get on the Internet, do some research, contact the Girl Scouts of America on a national level and ask them that question." When someone pointed out that the stated position of the Girl Scouts is neither pro- nor anti-abortion and that such issues are "best left to the girls to talk with their families about," Morris uttered this jaw-dropper: "They're not against it. If you're not against it, you're for it."
Based on this logic, the U.S. Postal Service, the Army and NASCAR are all pro-abortion, because they haven't taken a clear position against it.
In the end, the resolution to honor the Girl Scouts passed, with only one vote against it, after which Speaker Bosma asked all of the female House members who had been Girl Scouts to stand and make the motion to adjourn. According to USA Today, "nearly every female member stood." Asked about the controversy later, Bosma described his attitude this way: "I've been to the carnival before, and you don't walk into every sideshow tent."
Good for you, Mr. Speaker. It's nice to find at least one corner of the Republican Party where they don't let the clowns run the circus. Someone ought to nominate him for national GOP chairman.
Dusty Rhoades lives, writes and practices law in Carthage. Contact him at email@example.com.
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