Outcome of the Debates Is - Debatable | The Pilot: Southern Pines, NC

Friday, September 23, 2011

Three (or is it four?) televised Republican candidate debates down, umpteen to go.

After the first, I did a little satirical rant, which was greeted online with bazookas. The last two - given the news that folks held debate (a la Super Bowl) parties - made me realize that these intra-GOP events are a genre worth needling.

Bloody but unbowed, I sally forth.

There they stood, all eight contenders, like ducks in a shooting gallery: One impressive black businessman who named his pizza empire after a thug. One wild-eyed white woman whose battle cry is "Defeat Obama," regardless by whom. Six good-looking, fit (except for Newt), conservatively dressed, experienced legislators, all with hair galore and razor-sharp tongues poised to slice-and-dice.

Likely, a member of this posse will cop the presidential ticket-to-ride. But after listening to jarring sparring worthy of Letterman/Leno, I'm thinking their best bet would be to issue only carefully vetted statements - especially (Dr.) Ron Paul, who wedged his foot so squarely in his mouth over lead-ups to 9/11 that he may be billing Medicare for a wheelchair.

Back to Republican Party Night in America. I, a registered dingbat, offer these suggestions for viewing future debates:

- Invite friends from several persuasions, preferably people who can hold their liquor.

- Poll attendees beforehand: Pepperoni or plain? Hot wings or mild? Bud or Amstel Light? Krispy Kreme or Klondike Bars?

- Hit the dollar store for scorecards, buzzers (or horns) and salt shakers because, as Rick Perry's unemployment and job creation figures proved, you'll need many grains.

- Arrange chairs in a semi-circle around the HD flat screen. If you don't have one, invest before you're laid off. There's always the NFL.

- Establish ground rules: No four-letter words (except damn, hell, liar, boob, dork). Absolutely no mooning, rebel yells or hurling chicken bones at the screen.

- Provide pencils and paper for transcribing reactions to compare with the pundits who must, for days, subject each word, twitch, eye-blink, sweat bead and gesture to CSI-worthy scrutiny. Because for Americans still glued to "Two-and-a-Half Men," only the commentary counts.

- Plan some party games, like which moderator is the hottest, who made the most grammatical goofs, who sipped the most water, who uttered "Obama" the most, who wore the biggest wedding ring or the ugliest tie. Construct a Truth-O-Meter. Mount a gong.

- During intermission (or after the second round of beers, whichever comes first) distribute party favors: elephant ears, a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game, phony ballots listing Lady Gaga, Charlie Sheen, Justin Bieber, Dr. Oz, Al Bore, er, Gore.

- Distribute a watch-for list, beginning with how candidates absolutely never, ever answer a simple question with yes or no. "Let me say this" is a common dodge. Ditto "Let me go back to...." Infuriating.

- No hanky-panky. John Edwards and Anthony Weiner play for the Blue team.

- Vote Sarah Palin off the island.

As the lights on the stage dim and frozen smiles thaw, after the Democrats' response and Wolf Blitzer's little jig, attempt a serious discussion on what was learned about the candidates and their views.

Dig deep: Mull over Michele Bachmann's politically (and otherwise) incorrect statement that the HPV vaccine mandated by Rick Perry can cause "mental retardation" - a view challenged by a bioethicist who offered a $10,000 reward for substantiation. Do we want to let her loose on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?

If Jon Huntsman is deemed arrogant with his peers, how will he bow when Gordon Brown comes calling? Should Rick Perry be allowed bigger fiscal exaggerations than Mitt Romney just because Texas is 10 times larger than Romney's Massachusetts? And, most important, who will next clippety-clop into the sunset after Tim Pawlenty?

I hear Rick Santorum yelling, "Wait up, cowboy!"

My only regret is that the Democrats won't have their turn. As I recall from 2008, they were just as nasty, just as fun. We'll have to wait a whole year for the Republican nominee and President Obama to go at it.

Time for coffee and cake! I've donned the sequined flak jacket I wore to Kim Kardashian's wedding. So fire away.

Contact Deborah Salomon at debsalomon@nc.rr.com.

More like this story

geoffcutler 1 year, 8 months ago

Unlike your last little satirical rant, this one is quite good, and funny. So I greet you online with daisies instead of bazookas.

Courseaire 1 year, 8 months ago

I heard that Michelle was vaccinated with HPV? I agree with Geoff (and you know I don't often agree with Geoff, not) funny & well written piece Deb!

OldPilot 1 year, 8 months ago

If Ms. Salomon is a "registered dingbat" we need more registered dingbats! In good satire there is truth Life is good, Deborah on Friday, Dusty on Sunday!

Courseaire 1 year, 8 months ago

I'm not sure which is better/worse, a registered dingbat or a registered wingnut? It's certainly debatable.

Hembloche 1 year, 7 months ago

It's the wingbats and the dingnuts you gotta watch out for.

fugitiveguy 1 year, 8 months ago

"One impressive black businessman who named his pizza empire after a thug."

Godfathers Pizza came into being in 1960. Herman Cain came in 1986.

fugitiveguy 1 year, 8 months ago

Speaking of Cain, it appeared to me that he recieved very strong applause from the mostly white audience. Wait, I thought they were supposed to be opposed to Obama in large part because he is black. Now of course the usual suspects will come on here and tell us how that doesn't mean anything while last week they frothed at the notion that 2-3 kooks clapping indicated that the majority was in favor of letting someone croak if they didn't have insurance.

Courseaire 1 year, 8 months ago

At the end of all this, if Cain is able, I'll vote for him.

fugitiveguy 1 year, 8 months ago

good one

JER 1 year, 7 months ago

Only you will know if you vote for Cain in the 2012 election. Talk is cheap.

teufelhunden 1 year, 8 months ago

Great piece! I have to say it was almost painful to watch Perry.

fugitiveguy 1 year, 8 months ago

ditto

Toda 1 year, 7 months ago

Would you believe that I whole-heartily agree.One can only imagine what the result of his being elected President would have on this county.

JER 1 year, 7 months ago

So you will be pulling the lever based on what?

FaithinUSA 1 year, 8 months ago

I think the best vote in 2012 would be the same as senator Obama's "absent". The Republican line up is the usual suspects of lairs and thieves. I never in my life thought about living in any other country...I thought this was the BEST country in the world BUT lately its reminding me of Nazi Germany in many ways. I was never afraid of my government BUT I'm starting to have some bad feelings about our future. I hope I'm wrong but I haven't been wrong about much in this life.....IMJS

fugitiveguy 1 year, 7 months ago

"The Republican line up is the usual suspects of lairs and thieves."

Care to elaborate. Also, just how much time did you spend in Nazi Germany?

Courseaire 1 year, 7 months ago

Did they lay in wait in their lairs so they could commit thievery? Maybe they are Pirate Lairs - aargh!

Toda 1 year, 7 months ago

And your solution to this nations' (and the worlds') economic problems is what?

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

http://news.yahoo.com/fact-check-slippery-assertions-gop-debate-032527744.html

"It's hard not to notice a new trend in the Republican race this year, which is that candidates are increasingly unconcerned about being factually wrong on live television."-Matt Taibbi

nothingspecial 1 year, 7 months ago

As are Democrats currently in office

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

And of course there was the moment when the crowd booed a gay soldier serving in Iraq because he asked a question about DADT. Yep, the GOP "loves the troops."

Behan 1 year, 7 months ago

We love the troops.

We just don't "love" the troops.

fugitiveguy 1 year, 7 months ago

so 3-5 people out of several thousand is now a "crowd". gotta love that liberal ciphering. DR, what did you think about that crowd clapping and cheering repeatedly for the black guy. Kinda odd given that the're practically all racists.

JER 1 year, 7 months ago

The proof will come when they nominate him to run against Obama.

fugitiveguy 1 year, 7 months ago

No, even you would find a counter point to that. A mindless one but I guess you play the cards that are dealt you.

JER 1 year, 7 months ago

If you nominate Cain, I'll believe that it's just Obama's policies that you hate.

Courseaire 1 year, 7 months ago

DR - I listened to that spot during the debate and I counted/heard 2 voices "Boo", hardly a crowd. It's also posible that those 2 individuals we actually democrat plants.

fugitiveguy 1 year, 7 months ago

Democrat plants. HMMM. Many democrats I have encountered did seem to have a vegitative quality to them now that you mention it. (Thats a joke, settle down)

Courseaire 1 year, 7 months ago

No, that is funny & so green friendly.

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

And not a single one of your leaders spoke up against it at the time. Their handlers tried to say it was "unfortunate" in the spin session afterwards. Where's the leadership?

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

Ah, now the conspiracy nut in you comes out...

Courseaire 1 year, 7 months ago

Why in this forum would they respond to 2 idiots? It would only encourage others - they showed great restraint.

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

What they showed was cowardice and unwillingness to do the right thing.

Behan 1 year, 7 months ago

Sort of like a recent Hoffa speech?

geoffcutler 1 year, 7 months ago

Ooh, there's a zinger!

teufelhunden 1 year, 7 months ago

Behan!

JER 1 year, 7 months ago

So you are conceding that your side is as bad as the opposition?

Behan 1 year, 7 months ago

Sure, why not.

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

Of course not, JER. Remember your wingnut logic 101: it's okay if we do something because we've made up a story about some Democrat doing it. But the imaginary action from the Democrat is still wrong.

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

You mean the one where he said "We need to vote and take these SOBs out," but the right wing media edited out the part about voting so they could lie and claim it was an incitement to violence? That speech?

Maybe if you'd watch something besides Fox News and Breitbart you wouldn't embarrass yourself so much.

Behan 1 year, 7 months ago

Dusty, Dusty, Dusty…

Sometimes I almost think you almost believe half the stuff your write. Then I remember what you do for a living, and it all makes sense again. I never once said anything about inciting violence, but I’ll bite. Allow me to pull a few snippets from the transcript of that hero of yours as he introduced the leader of the free world:

“…we are fighting a battle there.”

“We have to keep an eye on the battle we face — a war on workers...”

“And you know there is only one way to beat and win that war.”

“The one thing about working people is we like a good fight.”

“And you know what, they’ve got a war, they’ve got a war with us and there is only going to be one winner. It is going to be the workers of Michigan and America – we are going to win that war. All the way. “

“He looks out on this army of people and you know what I say? President Obama, this is your army.”

“…let’s take these sons-of-bitches out.”

Any honest person could pick up a theme here, and it ain't hugs and kisses. But you expect people to believe these carefully selected words were not designed to instill fear, hate, and unrest.

I'd have actually offered some kudos to President Obama if he put Hoffa in check and said something along the lines of us being a united country, how we need healing and civil discourse, and Hoffa's words only served to divide us further.

That would have meant slapping a big financial supporter in front of a large audience. That would be a very expensive decision. But it would have been the right thing to do.

That being said, perhaps you could get around to addressing "cowardice and unwillingness to do the right thing."

Or just keep avoiding the issue.

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

How am I avoiding the issue? You name-checked Hoffa in one of your glib little asides, therefore bringing up the lie being spread by right wingers that he was inciting violence. Then when you get called on spreading the lie further, you just dig a deeper hole.

Here's the quote, by the way: “Everybody here has a vote,” Hoffa said Monday. “If we go back and we keep the eye on the prize. Let’s take these sons of bitches out and give America back to America where we belong.” Never mentioned the "Vote" part, did ya?

More wingnut 101: when someone addresses your lie, double down on the lying and claim he's avoiding the issue.

Then I remember what you do for a living, and it all makes sense again

Hey. "Behan", at least people know what I do for a living, because I don't hide behind an alias like a gutless coward.

geoffcutler 1 year, 7 months ago

No, you are brave, Dusty. But why do you consistently bring every debate on here down the level of a schoolyard sandbox? Gutless coward? Typically rude, and unecessary.

nothingspecial 1 year, 7 months ago

Greatly enjoyed your article Deb! And took no offense worth mentioning, since you're sure entitled in fact after writing something so well thought out!! I felt like the whole crew were worthy adversaries for the President, though most of Ron Paul's views are a little out there to me.

BigE 1 year, 7 months ago

YIKES! from the Weekly Standard... http://www.weeklystandard.com/blogs/special-editorial-yikes_594095.html

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

There you have it...the current crop of loons is too crazy even for the Weekly Standard.

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

"Early on, we received this missive from a bright young conservative: “I'm watching my first GOP debate...and WE SOUND LIKE CRAZY PEOPLE!!!!”

Ya think?

Toda 1 year, 7 months ago

As the old adage implies, "open mouth and insert foot"! Perry gets two gold stars for his performance.

dustyrhoades 1 year, 7 months ago

""Right, each time it's only been a handful of spectators who cheered the hypothetical 30yo man without insurance being left to die... or the huge number of executions in Texas... and now, a brave man who signed up to fight for this country even though he is gay.

But equally true is that each time, these screamers felt they were in their comfort zone -- they felt right at home, knew taunts and jeers, or cheers, would be acceptable. Just like the few racists toting signs at tea party rallies feel safe and comfortable doing it." From the comments on the story at Salon.com

Courseaire 1 year, 7 months ago

I say Potato, you say Po-taw-toe. I say Tomato, you say Toe-maw-toe. I didn't see, but I hope someone hauled their asses out, but then some would have said their right to free speech was violated & made a bigger stink. Best to ignore them, just as they do in the rallies.

teufelhunden 1 year, 7 months ago

DR - too many Red Bulls?

debsalomon 1 year, 7 months ago

I'm wondering...could you guys turn a piece about green Jell-O into a partisan wrangle? Betcha could.

geoffcutler 1 year, 7 months ago

Touche! Dead on! I don't suppose you know how to put the accent on the (e), do you? above my pay grade.

fugitiveguy 1 year, 7 months ago

why would it have to be green jello. Is green jello more environmentally friendly?Maybe I like yellow jellow or red jellow. Green, green, green.

debsalomon 1 year, 7 months ago

Has to be green. Red Jell-O would bring out the Repub partisans; blue Jell-O (yes, such exists) might inflame the Demos. Who assigned those colors, anyway? Environmentalists (greenies), generally speaking, have better manners. I'm sure our forebears (notice, I didn't say forefathers) would be tickled that First Amendment rights are enjoying a cyberevival. Signing off for tonight to watch "Blue Bloods," the only decent cop drama since "NYPD Blue." Get my drift?

Hembloche 1 year, 7 months ago

your bias towards green jello has been evident for some time.

fugitiveguy 1 year, 7 months ago

"But equally true is that each time, these screamers felt they were in their comfort zone -- "

Hey, you're like one of those mentalist guys. You can tell us how people "feel". That is a gift from ...."science"

Yukonjohn 1 year, 7 months ago

They all looked like the village idiot, with the exception of Ron Paul, Gary Johnson and Herman Cain!! I will not vote for anyone up there other than those three.

Nothingspecial, everyone has an absolute right to their opinion, but how can you think Ron Paul is "out there"?? He only wants what is spelled out in the Constitution. That is what we should all want, but many today think the Constitution is an outdated document. Personally, we should test every law, every regulation, every move of the Federal against it and see it that action is legal.

Toda 1 year, 7 months ago

It's not the Constitution that is in question, it's those laws on the books in states that have never been challenged. Like taxation.

Section 8 & Amendment XVI : The Congress shall have Power to lay and collect Taxes, ... No money shall be drawn from the Treasury. but in Consequence of Appropriation made by Law ...

Ergo the policy of Pork Barrel Politics and spending on both sides of the isle for state projects that generate jobs or countenance's for Washington Politicians. Political PAC's are not mentioned in the Constitution. The ability to form Political Action Committees' lays with laws written to usurp constitutional law.

With PAC's, the floodgates to corruption and favoritism were opened wide. As it stands in 2011, those who were elected by the people stand in loco parentis for large corporations. Solyndra is a primary example of politics at work. Big corporations have big government acting like generous parents for irresponsible children with credit cards and a government checkbook.

So in summary, it makes little difference whose face is behind the presidential seal during speeches, the result will look the same.

MikeNC 1 year, 7 months ago

I too, am for Herman Cain. I have been since last February. If he could get some mainstream media attention. That would help. If the hosts on these debates could ask questions to the others instead of continually throwing them at Michele, Rick and Mitt, Cain would break away from the pack and pick up percentage points and recognition. Maybe we need a Cain Backers club here? Diane

nothingspecial 1 year, 7 months ago

Sign me up

irkim13 1 year, 7 months ago

Me too!

debsalomon 1 year, 7 months ago

Raising Cain!!!

MikeNC 1 year, 7 months ago

Seriously, I have been contributing to Cain's campaign and I plan on this week finding out what more I can start doing. Almost every GOP family member in both Mike and my family, is for Cain. I think it's time for some new blood in Washington. Just the thought of some one in the White House with no Political baggage, sounds like a ray of hope. Diane

Yukonjohn 1 year, 7 months ago

I like Herman Cain very much. The only thing I can find wrong with him is that he is a preacher. I am not for any preacher in that office. I believe his 9-9-9 plan for taxes is fantastic!! I believe he knows how to run a business and would help the nation greatly in that regard. I just keep having that drawback of a preacher as president.

Roorke 1 year, 7 months ago

But you are fine with a lying socialist?

BigE 1 year, 7 months ago

And here ladies and gentlemen is another perfect example of American exceptionalism. Our supplimental talk radio educational system is second to none.

Roorke 1 year, 7 months ago

Reuters 9/17/11 — President Barack Obama said on Saturday that Americans need to be ready to "pay their fair share" to narrow the deficit, previewing his proposals to Congress that are expected to include more taxes on the rich.

"On Monday, I'll lay out my plan for how we'll do that -- how we'll pay for this plan and pay down our debt by following some basic principles: making sure we live within our means and asking everyone to pay their fair share." This information came from MSNBC. Lier: Almost 500 billion added to defiect and paid for in hopefully ''savings'' in the distance future, which never seem to quite work out. Socialist: The use of the word "fair'', where everybody is equal, except for the party in control, who decides what is fair, Comrade.

nothingspecial 1 year, 7 months ago

Cain is an associate minister at Antioch Baptist Church North in Atlanta, which he joined at the age of 10. His biography is incredible and after reading it I admire him even more. As an associate minister he is a "tent maker" in the footsteps of Paul and a well-rounded thinker, believer, family man and business genius. Janeane Garofalo says he’s some sort of plant set up to insulate the GOP from charges of racism. How dare he undermine her argument that Tea Party folks and conservatives are racists.

MikeNC 1 year, 7 months ago

HERMAN CAIN JUST WON THE FLORIDA STRAW POLL BY A WHOPPING 37%. Perry next at like 17%. Michele 1% !!!!!! Go Cain Diane P S it was said by some, if you win the Florida straw poll, you win the GOP ticket ! I'd also like to add, I've never heard Cain preach from the pulpit in any of his debates or speeches. He's a positive, up beat guy and God knows we need that now.

OldPilot 1 year, 7 months ago

Deborah is correct. The "candidates" are individually and collectively nuts. Their insanity pales, however, in comparison to the usual doom and gloom conservative contingent.

Yukonjohn 1 year, 7 months ago

But you are fine with a lying socialist?

Roorke, I never voted for President Obama. I support Ron Paul, but am thrilled Herman Cain won the FL straw poll by bunches and bunches!! Congrats Mr. Cain. I still have reservations about him being a preacher, but Mike, you are right, God knows we need an upbeat guy, and especially one that understand business!!

MikeNC 1 year, 7 months ago

One thing for sure, God Damn America, would never come from Cain pulpit. Paul, worries me. He's too isolationist and laizzez faire for me. Old Pilot: the protesters on Wall Street this week, could also be dubbed, indiviually and collective nuts. Diane