OK, consider yourself warned. It’s so cold I’m breaking out in cold weather and snow jokes.

You wanna know just how cold it is? OK, but remember, you were warned. Reading rehashed jokes is snow way for a golfer to spend his time.

It’s so cold that I thought I’d break the snowed-in boredom by going out in the yard and hitting a few chip shots. But I couldn’t do that until I had used an ice pick to break the golf balls apart.

While I was out in the yard, our brave postperson delivered the mail, on skis no less. I tried to open a letter and the paper broke in my hand.

The chipping practice worked out great, though, until I caught one shot a little thin and it rolled for eight blocks on the ice. Finally holed out in an open septic tank someone had neglected to cover. Oh, well, it was that kind of shot anyway.

Ol’ Harv and I were so in need of a golf fix that we drove to the golf course in his four-wheel drive Avalanche and begged the golf pro to let us on the course.

“Are you crazy?” Bobo the golf pro asked.

“Dang right,” we answered.

“Tell you what,” Bobo the golf pro said, “let me check and see if we have any open tee times.”

Trouble was we couldn’t find the first tee. We walked out to where we thought it was supposed to be and spent five minutes talking to a guy standing there before we realized it was a snowman some joker had built.

Heck, that didn’t faze us. It was the most stimulating conversation we’d had for a week. And the guy’s backswing looked a lot better than ours.

While we were talking to the snowman, this kid came whizzing by on a sled. “Hey,” Ol’ Harv yelled, “don’t forget it’s the 90-degree rule today!”

Standing outside became no fun after a few minutes, so we went back to the golf shop and asked Bobo the golf pro if he’d like to join us for a cup of coffee.

We walked down to the snack bar and the girl behind the counter brought us three coffees on sticks.

Seriously, does anyone out there remember what it’s like to hit a golf ball? But wait! I was already forgetting how that felt before it even turned cold.

But at least I’ll be able to see the golf ball if I ever do get a chance to hit another one. Not sure I’ll like what I see, but thanks to the good hands of Drs. Keith Shuler and Anna Fakadej at Carolina Eye Associates, I’ll at least know where to look for it.

Dr. Shuler worked a miracle a few months ago when he removed a wrinkled membrane (hey, don’t laugh, everything wrinkles sooner or later) from my right eye. Getting rid of the double vision and lack of depth perception improved my game by about four shots a round but the good doc didn’t want me to advertise it.

“If that kind of word got out, we couldn’t handle the business,” he said.

Then just last week Dr. Fakadej removed cataracts from the same eye. Now I’m seeing things so clearly that it’s scary. For the first time in 50 years I’m not having to wear glasses. I’m wondering how a golf ball is going to look next time I tee one up.

Stay tuned. I’m sure I’ll have another snow week, or at least a rainy one.

Meanwhile, I’m contemplating on going out to the driveway and try swinging a golf club again. I would, if I could just find the driveway. Snowdrifts? I never even knew what they were before a week ago.

Oh, that was no snowdrift that I just took a swing at with my 5-iron. That was my Ford Escape. You know, the one that won second place in the float contest in the Southern Pines Christmas Parade a few weeks ago.

Well, now it looks like a big divot.

Really, if I don’t get back on the golf course soon I’m going to be in serious trouble. I’m already babbling here.

Contact Howard Ward at howardward@att.net.