Some Special Letters to Santa
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Dear Santa:
I have plenty of gifts, because I have the most towering intellect and the farthest-reaching vision in America right now. Possibly in the entire universe. Tell you what, since I’m a guy with a lot of ideas, let me give back by sharing a few with you.
First off, you need to ditch the elves and replace them with poor inner-city kids to teach them what it’s like to earn a paycheck. And we need big mirrors in space. And geo-engineering to fight global warming ....
Oh, wait, I don’t believe in that anymore. Any video you’ve seen of me saying I did is a falsehood, because I say it is. You need to listen to me, Santa. I’m a transformational figure. I’m all that stands between us and Auschwitz.
— Love, Newt
Note to staff from S. Claus: We need to make sure Newtie gets his meds adjusted.
Dear Santa:
We’re willing to give up Christmas presents this year if we can just borrow the elves to pick our crops. Since this crazy immigration law came in, all the Latinos left. The locals can’t stand a day of this kind of work. Plus, I figure the elves are built low to the ground so they don’t have to stoop over.
Help us, Santa. You’re our only hope.
—Love, John McMillan, agriculture commissioner, state of Alabama
Dear Commissioner: Sorry, but elves don’t have identity papers. I don’t have time to keep going down there and bailing them out of jail. You’re on your own. Signed, S. Claus.
Dear Santa:
I want three things for Christmas. One, I want to be the front-runner again. Two, I want people to realize I’m not brain-damaged. Three, I ... dang! I can’t remember. Oops.
— Love, um ... Rick. Yeah, that’s it. Rick.
Note to staff from S. Claus: Maybe this is why Mitt Romney made that $10,000 bet with Rick. He assumed Rick wouldn’t remember it.
Dear Santa:
In 2007, we controlled 34.6 percent of the wealth in this country. Since the recession began, that percentage has grown to 37.1 percent. We’d like the rest of it. And we demand that people stop saying mean things about us.
— Sincerely, the 1 percent
Note to staff from S. Claus: They get coal in their stockings this year.
Note from staff: OK, but they already own most of it.
Dear Santa:
Can you bring me some more pepper spray? I’m all out, and I keep seeing people sitting down. They’re all over the place. There’s just something about people peacefully sitting down that really makes me want to give them a face full of the old pepper.
— Love, Lt. John Pike, UC-Davis campus police.
Note to staff from S. Claus: Coal.
Note from staff: Already on it, boss.
Dear Santa:
Both Newt Gingrich and I once supported an individual health insurance mandate and cap-and-trade legislation. Now, I have to convince Republican voters that those things are dangerous socialism. What I need for you is to give everyone in the country amnesia.
Oh, and while we’re at it, the next time I sit down next to some old white guy at a diner for what looks like a surefire photo op, can you make sure he’s not a gay war veteran who proceeds to hand me my head on a platter in front of everyone? Thanks.
— Love, Mitt
Note from staff: We should probably hold off on gifts for Mitt, boss. He keeps changing the list.
Dear Santa:
We want the influence of money out of politics. We want regulations to reform the banking system, like restoring the law separating investment banks from commercial and savings banks, so that crazy investments don’t take your savings with them when they fail.
We want investigation and prosecution of Wall Street financial fraud. We want to do away with the law that regards corporations as “people.” We want lobbyists to stop being the ones to draft legislation that benefits the industry they’re lobbying for. Thanks.
— Sincerely, the Occupy movement
Note to staff from S. Claus: Wait, what? All I keep hearing is that these people don’t know what they want.
Note from staff: That’s what the media want you to think. They’re owned by big corporations, remember?
Note to staff from S. Claus: Glad I’m not.
Note from staff: Us too, boss. Us too. Merry Christmas.
Dusty Rhoades lives, writes and practices law in Carthage. Contact him at dustyr@nc.rr.com.
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Comments
ProudYankee 1 year, 5 months ago
Dusty, you've outdone yourself again, great column. Your right wing "fans" might come up with some contrived "witticisms" about this column, but they can't dispute the facts in it.
DaveyNC 1 year, 5 months ago
Eh, a grudging grin for you this morning, Dusty. Gotta work on the ending, though.
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
Proud Yankee: Thanks!
DaveyNC: Thank you as well. But the moving finger writes, and having written, moves on.
And could someone please bring the wingnuts some new material? That stupid teleprompter joke was stale two years ago.
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
Contrast this to the racist lie you published:
He was immediately attacked verbally and almost physically by black members for using the word spade. They shouted how it was demeaning to their people. TV cameras showed that they had him hemned in and would let him leave until he apologized.
Every time you bring this up, you dig a deeper hole, you lying, racist POS. You owe everybody on this site an apology.
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
I think that all the readers will see that I have made you eat crow and you don't like the taste of it.
HAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA! The readers can see that you posted a response that showed no "shouting" no "hemming in," no intimidation of any kind and then tried to discredit your own supposed "proof "by saying your own source is "protecting his friends."
You just got your butt handed to you, pal, and everyone knows it.
I'm surprised that the Pilot would allow one of their columnist to call someone a POS. especially when you have no idea who that person is.
The reason I don't know is that you hide behind an alias and refuse to be responsible for your racist lies. Man up and maybe I won't hold you in so much contempt. Right now, the only time I wouldn't spit on you is if you were on fire.
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
Maybe you need to quit posting racist lies, trying and failing miserably to defend them, then whining like a little girl when you get caught at it. I'd also add maybe you need to get a new book of cliches because your old ones are so tired, but I don't have much hope of that.
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
Show me where he confirmed "attacked verbally and almost physically."
Show me where he confirmed that black legislators "shouted how it was demeaning to their people"
Show me where he confirmed "hemned [sic] him in and would not let him leave."
Show me. Or admit that you lied.
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
I've been known as "Dusty" all my life. Does anyone in your real life call you wdd101st?
You're really losing it here, anonymouse. You're like a punch drunk boxer flailing wildly with blood in his eyes, desperately trying to land a punch and connecting with only the air.
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
You know I proved it.
Show me where. Show me "hemmed in." Show me "attacked verbally and almost physically." Show me "shouting." Come on. It should be right there in the e-mail you says proved it. Show me where.
Another swing and a miss by the anonymous racist lying coward.
PBinNC 1 year, 5 months ago
Somehow after all of the "Dear Santa" letters the mudslinging in the comments took even the smallest bit of enjoyment out of everything. By enjoyment, I mean the clever approach from one side and the other....not necessarily agreeing with it all!
sgmartin 1 year, 5 months ago
The best! Thanks for the early Christmas present. Now my request,
Dear Santa, Please help people lighten up and see the humor around them.
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
Thanks, sgmartin!
Courseaire 1 year, 5 months ago
Dusty - One of the funniest article I've read all year, LMAO. Now we need to get Geoff to write the Santa letters from the left, unless you want to take a crack at it. For this one article, please ignore the attackers and let's keep it light and enjoyable. Merry Christmas.
Courseaire 1 year, 5 months ago
Dear Santa – All I want for Christmas is for the USA to get back to being the Greatest Nation on this Earth, so I don’t have to dwell on the gloom & doom every day. JER
Dear Santa – All I want for Christmas is for Dusty to believe something, anything I say for once. NCMike
Dear Santa – All I want for Christmas is for those GREEDY, EVIL & VILE 1% to pay their FAIR SHARE, no I want them to pay 99%. Moonchild7
Dear Santa – All I want for Christmas is for peace in the Kingdom. Treadlightly
Dear Santa – All I want for Christmas is a hug from JimHeim. Geoff
Dear Santa – All I want for Christmas to be able to make a joke with gun without anyone getting their panties in a bunch. skylinefirepest
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
Heh. Thanks, Courseaire. Merry Christmas.
geoffcutler 1 year, 5 months ago
Not bad at all...Coursaire. In fact, pretty funny! Merry Christmas to all of you.
teufelhunden 1 year, 5 months ago
Really cute, DR. Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday Season to all!!!
MikeNC 1 year, 5 months ago
Now that Courseaire is funny. Merry Christmas....Mike
honesty2 1 year, 5 months ago
Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas this year is a new president, one who does not waste $4 million of the taxpayers money on an extended Hawaiian vacation. Please include a spouse who is more patient and does not have to fly on ahead of the potus at a cost of $100,000+. Honesty2 http://www.hawaiireporter.com/with-more-vacation-days-and-separate-travel-price-of-obama%E2%80%99s-annual-hawaiian-holiday-rises/123 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2075958/Obamas-annual-holiday-Hawaii-costs-4m.html
honesty2 1 year, 5 months ago
@ssv: 1) I believe polls show that the majority of Americans do consider themselves Christians. 2) How is believing in Christ insulting to other religions? I am not insulted by Judaism, Hinduism. 3) I know plenty of people with high IQs who are Christians (including me). And that's the beauty of Christianity. It's free to all people- intelligent or not, rich or poor.... James 4:6
English Standard Version (ESV)
6But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
9 “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
wdd101st, you're the last person who should be preaching to anyone about this one.
Courseaire 1 year, 5 months ago
All the OWSers are guilty of violating #10.
Nezumi 1 year, 5 months ago
And don't forget Leviticus 9:12: "Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you." Any shellfish eating sinners here?
Nezumi 1 year, 5 months ago
Good article DR, and good follow-up wish list Courseaire
Courseaire 1 year, 5 months ago
I confess, sometimes I'm shellfish and take the last piece of candy.
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
Heh. Looks like some people have forgotten the words of that "reason for the season" they're always on about:
16And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?
17And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.
18He saith unto him, Which? **Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness,
19Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
20The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?
21Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.**
22But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.
23Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.
24And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
Merry Christmas, and may Jesus protect us all from some of His followers....
Courseaire 1 year, 5 months ago
Dusty, I'll give ya a big AMEN to that.
The_AnonymusProfit 1 year, 5 months ago
In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.
So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.
fugitiveguy 1 year, 5 months ago
What's your take on Islam professor?
The_AnonymusProfit 1 year, 5 months ago
Sgt Viper please tell me where you get your facts from, please post them here for me to review. Please show me where there forefathers say this..........
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
You believe what you want and I'll believe what I know is true.
I believe you're a racist who's so scared of black people he made up a BS story about blacks physically intimidating an innocent white legislator, then posted a couple of links which showed that that never happened, claimed it "proved" your story, then tried to discredit the sources you yourself provided.
In short, I believe you are pathetic, sad, and one of the clumsiest liars here. Which is saying something.
And if you really want to help the cause of God, stop talking about religion, because you are exactly the kind of alleged "Christian" that turns people away from the whole idea in disgust. You parrot the ten commandments while breaking them.
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
you know nothing about me.
By their fruits you shall know them, as Jesus said. And your lies are the fruit of racism.
And as for the definition you so clearly crave (but are too lazy to look up):
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jackhole
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
I know what it means.
And yet you kept demanding an explanation. So, what, is dishonesty just some sort of reflex for you?
dustyrhoades 1 year, 5 months ago
Two phrases that let you know you're dealing with the totally brain-dead: "race card" (most often used by someone who you've called on their obvious racism) and "class warfare" (used by the type of dimwit who really believes that the poor and the working poor should be paying more taxes and the rich less).
Bigguy 1 year, 5 months ago
wdd101 I read that statement of yours a couple of weeks ago about the State Representative and it was a bold face lie. You continue to berate Dusty, and yes I've known him by that name when we were kids for calling you out on it. That "violent confrontation" never happened. Please refrain from spewing lies. I believe you are a very "Sick" person in need of professional help!
RmeMP 1 year, 5 months ago
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is for my son to have a wonderful morning opening presents, and for my family to be able to cherish the time we have together :)
fugitiveguy 1 year, 5 months ago
"Two phrases that let you know you're dealing with the totally brain-dead:"
teabagger, teaheadist, hatemonger, hatespeach, fair share, millionaires and billionaires, social justice, economic justice, Faux News. Sorry, guess I got carried away
fugitiveguy 1 year, 5 months ago
Dustopedia definition of racism:any time a conservative person devoid of color makes a non positive statement directed at a person of color irregardless of the veracity of said statement except when said person of color is a conservative.
greentara13 1 year, 5 months ago
Dear Santa, I really need a job! I called up the credit card companies, but they had given all the call center jobs to other people in India. :( I called up some famous American companies: Ralph Lauren, Izod, Coach, they seem to make nice expensive goods, they could probably pay me well. Oh no! They only hire people in China, Korea and Pakistan! :(
I am really frustrated Santa, why aren't Americans boycotting these un american companies who clearly support communism and child labor? Why Santa? Why? Please put sticks in the CEO's stockings!
Unemployed Americans
Courseaire 1 year, 5 months ago
Dear Santa, I want to thank you for the job you gave my famiry rast year. We were abro to feed our famiry, even with the row wages we receive. Thinks are poor here in China, but much better thanks to you. You see we Chinese asro berieve in you and you asro answer our prays. This year we onry want same and no war. Tseng Tao
Nezumi 1 year, 5 months ago
Courseaire - you should add:
PS - Thank you Americans for shopping at Wal-Mart
The_AnonymusProfit 1 year, 5 months ago
Dear Santa Can you please give us some more Port A Johns, Poster Board, and Brains.
Sincerely OWS