Christmas Goodies for The Politicos
This year's version of the North Carolina General Assembly has sometimes reminded me of the great Mabel Scott's "Boogie Woogie Santa Claus."
Got no presents for your tree,
No candy for your sock.
When he starts to boogie,
The whole town rocks.
With few goodies in the old sack, the new Republican majority of the General Assembly has nevertheless rocked the town of Raleigh.
But I'm sure ol' Santa is an understanding sort, and will have some presents to dole out to the state's politicians.
So the time has come for my own list of Christmas suggestions:
- For House Speaker Thom Tillis, a pair of Tony Lama's newest cowboy boot, "The Divide and Conquer." Tillis has a penchant for shooting from the hip, so who could ask for a more appropriate present? More importantly, these boots are specially designed to prevent the wearer from putting his or her foot in the mouth.
Constructed from the hide of only man--eating alligators, they're studded with -sharpened pencil points provided by the N.C. Association of Educators.
- For Senate Leader Phil Berger, a set of Continental Tires' newest steel-belted, radial model, "The No Governor." These amazing tires will add at least 30 mph to any vehicle, allowing you to get out of Raleigh fast when a governor starts blaming you for stopping new factories poised to come to the state. They are also designed to automatically lock your brakes whenever approaching Sumter, S.C.
- For Republican state Rep. David Lewis of Dunn and Republican state Sen. Bob Rucho of Charlotte, copies of Pablo Picasso's "Guernica." The strange shapes and forms of Picasso's most famous work ought to be familiar to Lewis and Rucho. Surely the -painting served as inspiration for the new -legislative and congressional redistricting maps the two redistricting heads devised.
- For Gov. Beverly Perdue, a copy of Stephen King's latest horror classic, "Campaign Starter." This novel tells of a politician who can't seem to overcome her bad standing in the polls. Just as she takes control, things seem to go up in flames. A -subplot of the novel delves into airplanes that mysteriously appear and disappear - on campaign finance reports, state investigations and elsewhere - although it is never clear if they have a connection to the larger plot.
- For Republican state Rep. Stephen LaRoque of Kinston, a copy of the latest --how-to book, "Depositions for Dummies." This book explains legal principles involved in bringing civil suits, including potential requirements to turn over documents that might not make you bad. Unfortunately, there is no chapter titled "Standard Federal Government Loan Procedures."
- Finally, for Michell Hicks, principal chief of the Eastern Band of the Cherokee Indians, who has been trying to secure a new gambling compact with the state for months, a copy of previously unknown Mabel Scott numbers. Songs include "Round and Round, the Political Boogie Woogie," "Jump Here, Jump There," and "Ain't No Sense Down There."
Scott Mooneyham writes for Capitol Press Association in Raleigh. Contact him at email@example.com.
More like this story