A Candidate For the Next Glenn Beck

As of Saturday, April 9, 2011

This past week, the world of broadcasting was rocked by the news that Fox News host Glenn Beck would be leaving his five-day-a-week show on that TV network in the near future.

Beck’s announcement on the show was delivered in his classic Drama-Queen-of-the-Apocalypse style; he warned ominously of “dark waters ahead” and compared himself to Paul Revere, who “had to get off the horse eventually” and “go back to silversmithing.”

He promised, however, that “we will find each other again.” He did not, however, burst into tears, so I’ll have to give that performance only eight out of a possible 10 stars.

I’ve got to tell you, folks, this is getting plumb frustrating. First I find out, as I reported a couple of weeks ago, that Sarah Palin is beginning to suffer from slipping favorability ratings. Now I find out I’m not going to have Glenn Beck to make fun of anymore.

(We will have to pause for a moment. Now that I’ve mentioned Sarah Palin in a column, even in passing, we have to give her die-hard fans a chance to rush to their computers and compose the usual blizzard of “why-are-you- picking-on-Sarah-you-must-be-afraid-of-her-leave Sarah-alooooooone!” letters. It’s a Pavlov’s dogs kind of thing. The poor things can’t help it. OK, back now? Let’s continue.)

Speculation abounds as to the reasons behind the sudden announcement. Some point to Beck’s slipping ratings, which were down a whopping 30 percent from last year. Others point to the exodus of advertisers fearful of boycotts, or perhaps fearful that advertising exclusively to the paranoid and resentful might not provide sufficient market penetration.

Still others mention the frequent clashes Beck and his staff had with Fox execs, or the rumors that the news staff was growing increasingly uncomfortable with Beck.

Whatever the reason, there will soon be an open spot in Fox’s lineup. And your Humble Columnist knows the clarion call of opportunity ringing loud and clear when he hears it. So, dear readers, I am offering my services to the Fox Network. I am the man they need to replace Glenn Beck. After all, I’ve done TV. One of my first jobs was in radio. And, most important, I can be absolutely raving crazy for half the price.

I can sense the doubt in some of you. I know that there are those who think I can’t possibly equal Glenn Beck when it comes to lunacy. You think there’s no way I can top stunts like portraying financier George Soros as a “puppetmaster” — using actual puppets.

You think I don’t possess the bizarre sense of self-importance that would allow me to defend myself against my critics by quoting that famous poem about Jews and the Holocaust (“When they’re done with Fox,” Beck said, “and you decide to speak out on something. The old, ‘first they came for the Jews, and I wasn’t Jewish.’”)

You think I can’t get up in front of a camera with a chalkboard and draw an intricate and convoluted web of conspiracy that looks like something drawn by Russell Crowe’s schizophrenic mathematician character in “A Beautiful Mind,” one that links Woodrow Wilson, ACORN, Soros and the Rothschild family.

You think I can’t manage the kind of cognitive dissonance that lets me claim in one moment that I love America and in the next chortle with glee that we didn’t get to host the Olympics..

O ye of little faith. I tell you, I can be that insane. I may have to stay up for three days straight and down an entire bottle of straight tequila, but I know I can do that. I’ve done it before. The results aren’t going to be pretty, but I can make the sacrifice. Did I mention I’ll do it for half the price they’ve been paying Beck?

I’ll have to get a chalkboard from somewhere. Manly man that I am, I may have to get some glycerin drops for my eyes so I can cry on command, but these are trivial matters.

Help me out here, folks. Write or e-mail Fox and tell them to give me a shot. It’s my destiny. It’s America’s destiny. Without me, the socialists win and the country becomes a Muslim Caliphate ruled by secular Marxist Islamist fascists, Al Gore and the New Black Panther Party. I’m so terrified I’m weeping, and you should be too.

See? And that’s just a sample. So what are you waiting for?

Dusty Rhoades lives, writes and practices law in Carthage. Contact him at dustyr@nc.rr.com.

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James 2 years, 1 month ago

Imagine a life that revolves around and depends upon criticising others? Then imagine that you lack the talent to do it well. Then imagine that Beck leaves at the same time as Katie Couric and Matt Lauer. What do you do? Of course! Write a ridiculous column (albeit jokingly) asking folks to help you get Beck's TV slot because "[i]t's my destiny." Uh, we know your destiny. And so do you.

Ross 2 years, 1 month ago

although I think DR would be a "good" fit..... jimmie - you would be extraordinaire as becks replacement. No one here understands your senseless rants and i'll bet you even have a crew cut.

The only problem - i would miss ya terribly - kinda :)

dustyrhoades 2 years, 1 month ago

I guess I don't have that much imagination, James. Why don't you tell us what it's like? Or does anything beyond "why are you writing about this, why don't you write about that" empty your feeble bag of rhetorical tricks?

clodfelter37 2 years, 1 month ago

I would vote for you if you could broadcast from Carthage. Do not want you to move. We expect many more columns and several more books before your retirement.

dustyrhoades 2 years, 1 month ago

Thanks, clodfelter!

SH59 2 years, 1 month ago

That was a great article and made me laugh! How nice on a Sunday morning with so much depressing news these days.

AllNatural 2 years, 1 month ago

Lol, DR. Great article! sn: Especially like the pause for Sarah Palin.

OldPilot 2 years, 1 month ago

Dusty, if that's what you want, but only if you keep writing your weekly column. Our local fishwrapper needs you!

dustyrhoades 2 years, 1 month ago

Thanks, SH59, AllNatural, OldPilot.

MikeNC 2 years, 1 month ago

I'm all for it Dusty. FOX, fair and balanced. They'll most likely give you the same amount of chalkboards they gave Beck and to the average eye, people won't know if it's a glass of spring water or glass of tequila. Remember though, you'll be coming up against some leg tingling interviews and commentaries by Chris Mathhews who in the same time slot. Diane

MikeNC 2 years, 1 month ago

PS, Fox, fair, balance, and don't forget, they are UNAFRAID. Diane

Ross 2 years, 1 month ago

right - and you have had too much of that tequila.........

dustyrhoades 2 years, 1 month ago

They may be unafraid, but they sure traffic in fear. Fear of Muslims, fear of ACORN, fear of SEIU, fear of George Soros, fear of OMG SOSHULISM, and most of all, fear of the black "madrassa-educated" President.

markntejas 2 years, 1 month ago

i am a (basically) conservative ...98% of the time i dont think beck believed what he was espousing and i would not be shocked to see him 'reveal' he was making a mockery of conservatives. he wasn't credible and the network had to separate from him

GoldenDreams 2 years, 1 month ago

Dusty, here's another tip if you want a job on Few News--learn the buzz words! For example, become "your humble correspondent" and "what say you?" (thanks, O'Reilly). It may help if you use the word "birther" over and over, sort of like Trump, who appears on Fox regularly. Please note: you don't have to be a birther, just use it to get in. Lastly, tell them you are a small town attorney from the South with an open mind, who can really change Fox's stuffy image. They'll like that! But I'll miss you, Dusty! Who can ever take your place at The Pilot?

dustyrhoades 2 years, 1 month ago

I've done the 'humble correspondent' schtick before, so that's no problem. Thanks for the kind words!

MikeNC 2 years, 1 month ago

Dusty,Then you have those Painting anyone who belongs to the Tea party, or are Conservative as OMG, They're EXTREMIST. I have a fear of EXTREME RADICAL MUSLIMS. I don't care for SEIU EXTREME tactics. George Soros' EXTREME plan of an Open Society. And no I don't care for Obama's Socialistic Policies. As a CAPITALIST, I VIEW THEM AS EXTREME. Acorn wasn't extreme, just too much extreme corruption. Diane

dustyrhoades 2 years, 1 month ago

You always prove my point for me, Diane. Thanks!

None 2 years, 1 month ago

DR Jr.~ John Nash, Beck wasn't, nor could ever be in his own demented mind. The only commonality is that both are schizophrenic. Fox's make-it-up, as you are told by Roger Ailes, defies reasonable login and comprehension. The National Enquirer and Fox News have one common thread that links their news…both make it up to capitalize on viewers who have comprehension dysfunctions and are out of touch with reality. Now Brian – grab a$$ - Kilmead has his talk radio show. Another Glenn Beck in training by the Anti-Christ, Roger Eugene Ailes.

None 2 years, 1 month ago

DR Jr. you left off one overlooked nut case in the form of Michael Savage...for those who don't know about Dr. Savage and his political rants about POSTUS'O, here you go. He and Glenn Beck share a lot in common except Fox News....

http://www.michaelsavage.wnd.com/

None 2 years, 1 month ago

Oh, Savage makes Glenn Beck seem sedate. i wonder how many microphones have to be replaced because they're covered in his spittle.

Ross 2 years, 1 month ago

jimmie - you prove the aboves point quite well every time you post. It is always about the bogeyman liberals with you. I do like you - but give it a break already!

Ross 2 years, 1 month ago

I truly wonder just what you are talking about? Hey - I'll bet you are jimmies dumber twin.

btw - the tequila comment gets old after used a few times.

mcg2010 2 years, 1 month ago

Oh for Pete's sake, it's a comedic op-ed piece commentating on the insanity of Beck. Not every thing written in a paper (certainly not the op-ed section) has to be an in-depth look at the issues plaguing our county. I get enough of that on a daily basis, from every single talking head that seems to be important enough to be on TV.

I, for one, enjoy finding a little humor mixed in with my news. It's the way only I could stomach Beck in the first place. So, kudos Dusty, and good luck making it on the f-word network. Can I have your column?

dustyrhoades 2 years, 1 month ago

Thanks, mcg2010. If I get the Fox gig, I'll put in a word with Bouser for you.

fugitiveguy 2 years, 1 month ago

DR-can you name a conservative you don't think is crazy and a liberal who you think is crazy?

moonchild7 2 years, 1 month ago

Dusty, it looks like all of the tv networks will soon be in need of NEW ENTERTAINING BLOOD so instead of FOX(who'll get a non-controversial BECK replacement)try the bigger and better ones at CNN or MSNBC. Even the TODAY SHOW will be in need! They've all gotten a little "MOLDY" at this point and your humor might be the FIX some of them really need. If a former drunken radio ZOOKEEPER like BECK can do it(that's how really DUMB the public is today)you'll be HUGE! GOOD LUCK!

dustyrhoades 2 years, 1 month ago

Heh. Thanks, moonchild.

None 2 years, 1 month ago

Gee, where have all the super-duper teapot republicans gone? Nothing to say? Let's see, Sarah Palin is BYE-BYE, Glen Beck is BYE-BYE, Michelle Bachmann is soon to be BYE-BYE. I mean, how many bomb shelter meals does Beck have to sell now to keep his "lif-style' goin' there in Southern CT? Rent and taxes are not cheap up there and they don't have any low-income housing developments where he might "retire".

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A Candidate For the Next Glenn Beck

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