O'Donnell: The Perfect Candidate?
In this doleful election season, there has emerged a candidate from "The First State," home to carcinogens and toxic credit card companies, who is utterly fearless, a woman who says what she believes and believes what she says, not necessarily in that order and even if it's nonsensical or an outright fabrication.
When the conduct of other more mainstream candidates has been enough to make me slit my wrists, Christine O'Donnell has kept me in stitches (no pun intended).
I have this theory: O'Donnell is the Andy Kaufman of politicians! When she appears on the tube, there's no telling whether she's doing this political stuff for straight or if she's pulling our collective leg, kind of like when Andy took up professional wrestling and was faking a sport that was already fake.
She's also recorded a cover of the Eagles' "Witchy Woman" - "she's a restless spirit on an endless flight/wooo hooo witchy woman/see how high she flies." I haven't heard O'Donnell's version of the song, but I expect it will be on YouTube any time now. I'm keeping an eye out and an ear open.
You've got to give her credit: Every word she's uttered has been absolutely on the money. Dig this: "The reason you don't tell them [children] that masturbation is the answer to AIDS and all these other problems that come with sex outside marriage is because again it is not addressing the issue. ... You're going to be pleasing each other and if he already knows what's pleasing him and he can please himself why am I in the picture?"
Say what? Now there's a question only O'Donnell can answer. I'm hoping that in the next few weeks she'll address this masturbation issue at length.
When asked a hypothetical question about admitting to the Nazis that she was hiding Jews in her home during World War II, she maintained that she'd tell them the truth. "If I were in that situation, God would provide a way to do the right thing," she says.
I have no doubt this is true, regardless of the fact that 6 million Jews were murdered when conquered people living under Nazi occupation either didn't get God's message or misunderstood it.
And how about this zinger: "American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully developed human brains"?
I've noticed that the mice who live in my condo - there must be hundreds of them! - play Scrabble at night, pushing around the wooden letters with their whiskery little noses. So many triple word scores! It's amazing!
As proof that evolution is a myth, O'Donnell asks, "Why is [sic] monkeys still evolving into humans?" Who among us hasn't noticed monkeys evolving into humans before our very eyes? When I go to the zoo, I'm spellbound by those amazing evolving monkeys! If you don't believe O'Donnell, watch the "Wonderful Wizard of Oz"; those monkeys can fly!
My (most) favorite O'Donnell moment is posted on YouTube. Delaware's Republican candidate for the Senate answers her detractors by offering absolute proof positive that she's on the level: "I'm not a witch," she schmoozes, "I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you. None of us are [sic] perfect, but none of us can be happy with what we see all around us. ... I'll go to Washington and do what you'd do. I'm Christine O'Donnell, and I approved this message. I'm you."
No doubt about it - at this troubling moment in our political history, O'Donnell is the perfect candidate for the Senate. She hasn't had a job in years, she has no income, she's deep in debt, she's never held an elective office, she claims to have been a student at Oxford (England, not N.C.) but wasn't, she didn't pay her campaign workers, and she's been paying her bills with campaign funds.
And best of all: she's not from North Carolina.
Stephen Smith's latest book of poetry, "A Short Report on the Fire at Woolworths," is available at the Country Bookshop. He can be reached at email@example.com.
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