O'Donnell: The Perfect Candidate?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

In this doleful election season, there has emerged a candidate from "The First State," home to carcinogens and toxic credit card companies, who is utterly fearless, a woman who says what she believes and believes what she says, not necessarily in that order and even if it's nonsensical or an outright fabrication.

When the conduct of other more mainstream candidates has been enough to make me slit my wrists, Christine O'Donnell has kept me in stitches (no pun intended).

I have this theory: O'Donnell is the Andy Kaufman of politicians! When she appears on the tube, there's no telling whether she's doing this political stuff for straight or if she's pulling our collective leg, kind of like when Andy took up professional wrestling and was faking a sport that was already fake.

She's also recorded a cover of the Eagles' "Witchy Woman" - "she's a restless spirit on an endless flight/wooo hooo witchy woman/see how high she flies." I haven't heard O'Donnell's version of the song, but I expect it will be on YouTube any time now. I'm keeping an eye out and an ear open.

You've got to give her credit: Every word she's uttered has been absolutely on the money. Dig this: "The reason you don't tell them [children] that masturbation is the answer to AIDS and all these other problems that come with sex outside marriage is because again it is not addressing the issue. ... You're going to be pleasing each other and if he already knows what's pleasing him and he can please himself why am I in the picture?"

Say what? Now there's a question only O'Donnell can answer. I'm hoping that in the next few weeks she'll address this masturbation issue at length.

When asked a hypothetical question about admitting to the Nazis that she was hiding Jews in her home during World War II, she maintained that she'd tell them the truth. "If I were in that situation, God would provide a way to do the right thing," she says.

I have no doubt this is true, regardless of the fact that 6 million Jews were murdered when conquered people living under Nazi occupation either didn't get God's message or misunderstood it.

And how about this zinger: "American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully developed human brains"?

I've noticed that the mice who live in my condo - there must be hundreds of them! - play Scrabble at night, pushing around the wooden letters with their whiskery little noses. So many triple word scores! It's amazing!

As proof that evolution is a myth, O'Donnell asks, "Why is [sic] monkeys still evolving into humans?" Who among us hasn't noticed monkeys evolving into humans before our very eyes? When I go to the zoo, I'm spellbound by those amazing evolving monkeys! If you don't believe O'Donnell, watch the "Wonderful Wizard of Oz"; those monkeys can fly!

My (most) favorite O'Donnell moment is posted on YouTube. Delaware's Republican candidate for the Senate answers her detractors by offering absolute proof positive that she's on the level: "I'm not a witch," she schmoozes, "I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you. None of us are [sic] perfect, but none of us can be happy with what we see all around us. ... I'll go to Washington and do what you'd do. I'm Christine O'Donnell, and I approved this message. I'm you."

No doubt about it - at this troubling moment in our political history, O'Donnell is the perfect candidate for the Senate. She hasn't had a job in years, she has no income, she's deep in debt, she's never held an elective office, she claims to have been a student at Oxford (England, not N.C.) but wasn't, she didn't pay her campaign workers, and she's been paying her bills with campaign funds.

And best of all: she's not from North Carolina.

Stephen Smith's latest book of poetry, "A Short Report on the Fire at Woolworths," is available at the Country Bookshop. He can be reached at travisses@hotmail.com.

More like this story

Arestorer 2 years, 7 months ago

I dont beleive she's qualified for any political office. She's just looking for exposure to further her desire for future Hollyweird carreer.

fugitiveguy 2 years, 7 months ago

"When she appears on the tube, there's no telling whether she's doing this political stuff for straight or if she's pulling our collective leg"

She cannot hold a candle to idiots like Barney Frank or Maxine Waters who not only survive in the Democrat congress, they are given leadership posts and lifetime membership. So I guess Ms Odonnel needs to switch parties so she can blend in.

None 2 years, 7 months ago

82soldier => I totally agree! Looming 206.2 million in debt for the next decade and they're writing about Christine O'Donnell. Who cares about her kinky sex or pleasure relief techniques. We have Liberals' spending money like it grows on trees...in Carthage.

None 2 years, 7 months ago

fugitiveguy=> fact is she's a Conservative Republican. We have fence railers right here in MC who were Dems who needed Republican support to get elected.

Bflat 2 years, 7 months ago

More than ever, the voters need to be very informed, instead of misled like up until right before the last election in Moore County. It's time for more transparency in the Moore County government. In this down economy, it's not the time to stretch the neck out on the proverbial chopping block with such magnitude of debt as what is being done right now. In fact, without a master plan of what is needed now and in the future, too many mistakes have already been made. While it's good to know about factors affecting us with US candidates, there needs to be more about the local candidates.

And yes, I do like Smith as a writer. :))

peterprints 2 years, 7 months ago

Those of you who wonder why Mr. Smith would be thinking about Christine O'Donnell when she's from Delaware and not North Carolina are a bit out of touch with the way our political system works. The problem with the O'Donnells and Engals and Millers of this current election is that, if they get in, they will be SENATORS and will be voting on issues directly related to US. Why else would Demint be shifting so much of his war chest to elect Tea Party candidates in other states? If all this wasn't so frightening it would be funny...total morons hoping to get elected to run the most powerful country in the world. Talk about chutzpah!

clodfelter37 2 years, 7 months ago

I notice lots of criticism of our county leaders; however, I do not notice anyone on my sample ballot who is challenging them except in Mr Melton's race and Mr Melton will win in a landslide. Call your next case.

Bflat 2 years, 7 months ago

Melton has already been the "yes" man long enough, voting in with the other two for a huge detention center to be placed in downtown Carthage that can expand to 600 federal sized beds. Get out your checkbook folks and prepare to pay more in taxes because that 50 million bond is going to have to be paid somehow. We don't even know how much the new courthouse is going to cost. Melton always sits there and hardly says anything and then votes with Caddell and Picerno. There isn't a long range plan and doing things in bits and pieces is not the way to run county government. You can thank Melton and the other 2 for the mess we're in and for their ruining a sweet historic town by making it into a prison town.

dustyrhoades 2 years, 7 months ago

Ah, I see that the newest iteration of the classic wingnut argument "shut up! Just shut up!" is to claim that Smith shouldn't write about O'Donnell because she's running in NC. This is a particularly moronic tactic, even by the standards of the wingnutosphere. Sarah Palin wasn't running in NC either and the teabaggers about fell over their tongues drooling over her.

dustyrhoades 2 years, 7 months ago

Sorry, I meant to say "because she's NOT running in NC."

fugitiveguy 2 years, 7 months ago

Where was Smith when Obama was campaigning for president. O'donnell may very well be unqualified for the post she seeks but senator is small potatoes compared to the highest office in the land. You have to be talking out both sides of your mouth to see one as unqualified and not the other. Of course, Obama didn't have to go so far as he has to prove the point. Obama has given "shovel ready" a whole new connotation.

peterprints 2 years, 7 months ago

Does Fugitiveguy really believe that Obama was as unqualified to be President as O'Donnell is for the Senatorship of Delaware? Get real. You may not have liked the programs he got through but he got healthcare passed which endless administrations have tried to do unsuccessfully. Sure you don't like that bill but I don't like what the other side has offered me...pre-existing conditions, a mindset that insurance companies will only insure healthy people. HELLO! What the @@##$! Even the "Fugitive" has to give this president credit for doing something no other adminsitration has been able to do. Is it perfect? Of course not. No one, no thing is perfect. Just look at the number of patents awarded for refinements on already patented products. If tweaking something was not allowed we'd still be carrying mobile phones around in attache cases like we used to do. But adjustments can be made. The future belongs to the people who want to work together and solve problems, not to the greedy, not to the heartless and, surely, not to the ignorant.

MooreNorth 2 years, 7 months ago

"total morons hoping to get elected", Have you watched C-Span lately? One Rep thinks islands can tip over if too much stuff is put on one side.

fugitiveguy 2 years, 7 months ago

"Even the "Fugitive" has to give this president credit for doing something no other adminsitration has been able to do."

I'll say, he found enough people gullible enough to vote for a slick talking, media creation with absolutely no resume commensurate with mayororal office nevermind potus.

Arestorer 2 years, 7 months ago

jimt, I think that congressman could not even spell hyperpole. He surely cant speak without the phrase UMM. I think he's the one that needs a break, from government.

None 2 years, 7 months ago

clodfelter37=> comforting to know some who live in Poorer County are so willing to get out their checkbooks and anti-up for millions we really don't have or need to spend....Clod you and several more should send a few hundred more with this years tax bill so you won't experience "Sticker Shock"...Melton and his handlers have already spent millions for generations to come. So -why is everyone complaining about Washington when we have such LIBERAL spending in North Carolina right there in Carthage? Remember ~ Caddell was a staunch Democrate until he needed the Pinehurst vote to get him elected....Just like a switcher-roo, he became a member of the GOP! Could that be the reason for out of control liberal spending in Carthage?

Just go with the spending flow....

Bflat 2 years, 7 months ago

Well, well...hitting a few nerves and stepping on some toes. Has the Dem Party done anything in Moore County? And can the example in Wash DC prove anything by a Dem controlled Congress? No wonder many are changing parties or voting the other party candidates.

Also, we don't know what Congress is going to do about raising taxes and even the IRS may have to reprint the forms.

fugitiveguy 2 years, 7 months ago

"Do you seriously believe that he believes the island could actually tip-over? Give me a break!"

Yes, he is clearly a moron. He was 100% serious.

dustyrhoades 2 years, 7 months ago

Wingnuts don't understand hyperbole or figures of speech. They're not much for humor wither.

MooreNorth 2 years, 7 months ago

jimt~ You watched the video, and still believe he was employing hyperbole? Well,okay. Do you feel Pelosi was just joking around when she said unemployment checks, and food stamps, are a good way to stimulate the economy? I watched the committee Q&A as well. This guy probably thought hyperbole was something the NFL was working on. Don't mean to pick on the Georgia Rep. There are plenty of nuts in the House, including a few from NC.

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