Artificial Tree Woes Continue After Holiday
I received several e-mails from guys who got a kick out of my artificial Christmas tree column.
The column, published in December, hit hot buttons with guys who are as inept as I am when it comes to putting things together, even if it's just a fake tree.
Most of the letters came from the Pinehurst area. Guys in Pinehurst are either older and more cantankerous than other people, or just less patient. Maybe they'd just rather be playing golf. One of the fellows gave up on his fake tree when he couldn't get the lights to work on the top (part A). Another guy warned me that I would never be able to get the tree back into its box. He couldn't, and he tried everything. He got two sections in and that was all. Finally he gave up and tried selling the tree at a flea market, to no avail. So he just gave it to Goodwill. No big deal, he said, because he got his tree at 75 percent off.
Ouch! I paid full price - $298. I guess that's what I get for buying my tree before Christmas.
Anyhow, on New Year's Day, my wife took off the ornaments and said the rest of the job was "all mine." Funny how parts A and B pulled away from part C when I picked the tree up back in December, just to turn it around. I staggered around holding the top of the tree, which, unfortunately, was plugged into part C. I almost fell backward through the living room window.
Now the tree didn't want to come apart at all. It took my wife and me both to pull it apart. And it seemed a lot bigger now, too. Hats off to the guy who got "only two" sections back into his box. I can't get even one section back in. So the tree is sitting in the garage, eating up enough room to park a small car.
Even if I got the whole tree into the box, there's no way I could get it into the attic. Have I mentioned the box is as big as a coffin?
So I don't know what I'm going to do with this tree. I could donate it to Goodwill, but they'd have to come and get it. I don't have a vehicle large enough to haul this thing in. Maybe I'll just put it back in the living room and celebrate Christmas year-round.
Or make it a true, 12-month holiday tree. On Valentine's Day I could hang little red hearts on it. It could be adorned with little flags on Memorial Day and July 4th. And on Halloween, little sponge pumpkins would be cute. And before you know it, I'd be ready to plug it back in for Christmas. My wife doesn't think this is a good idea, however. Something about how she said, "Either this tree goes or I do" gave me the hint.
Since it's an evergreen, maybe I'll just take it outside. I think it would look good in the front yard. I could just stabilize the base with sandbags and put a bunch of pine straw around it. And come December, I'd just run an extension cord to it and plug it in. But with my luck, I'd electrocute a couple of squirrels. Hmmm, this may not be such a bad idea after all.
Raymond Reid can be contacted at email@example.com. He's available for speaking engagements for clubs, church groups or organizations.
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