I've just gone through a couple of months where golf was just a memory. With little to do other than sit around and play with the scar on my knee, I had this brilliant idea.

Why not get together with my old buddy John Derr and write a book?

Why not?

So John came up with all the ideas and I did the typing and lo and behold a new epistle was born.

Or something like that. Anyway

Our new book, titled "How to Hit Your Second Shot First," will be available at minor book outlets around the Sandhills in only a few weeks. So just to whet your appetite, here are some riveting excerpts:

Chapter 1 -- How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

I came up with this gem last summer while five-putting two greens on the back nine at the Country Club of South Carolina.

Chapter 2 -- How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

You don't want to try this against "picky" opponents.

Chapter 3 -- How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

You don't avoid it. You run over and jump in the pond.

Chapter 4 -- How to Get More Distance from those Shanks

This was something I thoroughly researched after completely circling a green at National Golf Club with a wedge one day.

Chapter 5 -- When to Make a Nasty Hand Signal to the Ranger

You only want to do this when you're 20 years younger than the ranger and outweigh him by 50 pounds.

Chapter 6 -- Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

You only want to do this when you're 20 years younger and outweigh your playing opponent by 50 pounds.

Chapter 7 -- When to Implement Handicap "Management"

This has to come early. Getting your opponent to give you three shots a side isn't easy after he's watched you bomb that first tee shot 250 yards right down the middle.

Chapter 8 -- Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9 a.m.

Nine a.m. isn't all that early for a guy who's been up since 3 a.m. with a hangover headache.

Chapter 9 -- How to Rationalize a Six-Hour Round

Hey, if you get home too early, you may have to take out the garbage or something.

Chapter 10 -- When Does a Divot Become Classified as Sod?

Maybe when your playing companion is looking the other way?

Chapter 11 -- How to Find that Ball that Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Maybe when your playing companion is looking the other way?

Chapter 12 -- Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care that You Birdied the 5th Hole

Maybe because you didn't get home in time to take the garbage out?

Chapter 13 -- Using Curse Words Creatively to Control Ball Flight

Ever tried drawing ears on your golf ball so it will listen to you?

Chapter 14 -- When to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

When the guys in the foursome are 20 years younger and 50 pounds heavier than you.

Chapter 15 -- How to Relax When You're Hitting Five Off the Tee

Strengthen your grip on the club until your knuckles turn white, then throw it 40 yards down the fairway.

Chapter 16 -- When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponents

When you're two down with one to play and have three presses riding.

Chapter 17 -- God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey-Three-Putt

Golf is life. The rest is just details.

Chapter 18 -- When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

About every other week?

Chapter 19 -- Throwing Your Clubs: An effective Stress-Reduction Technique

Feel the tension flow from your body and enjoy that helicopter rotor sound.

Chapter 20 -- Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Only if you can get to Robert's Golf before closing time.

Chapter 21 -- Why Male Golfers Will Pay $6 for a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her a $4 Tip, but Will Balk at a $4 Beer at the 19th Hole and then Stiff the Bartender

They're men.

Actually, John came up with enough ideas for 20 more chapters. But not to worry. We're already planning a sequel.