Looking back over my ­extensive and meticulous communication records the other day, I was surprised to find that I hadn’t heard from my friend Jean-Jacques Louis Henri Trebouchet de Grenouille (J.J. to his friends) in a long time.

As far as I knew, he was still smoking Gauloises on the Left Bank and ­chasing the ever-elusive Yvette, and I thought it might be interesting to give him a call, especially in light of the unfolding euro crisis.

“Bonjour, J.J., comment çca va?”

“Ah, mon ami, it has been a long time since. I am delighted to hear your voice.”

“Likewise. I just called to wish you a belated happy new year and see how things are going over there.”

“Well, I have to admit, things are not well. My father, his business is very bad; the bank is foreclosed on my landlord and wants me to pay the rent; and Yvette, she has moved to that palm tree peninsula in Dubai with some European golfers.”

“But J.J., you know Dubai went belly-up. They were hammered in the real estate bubble. Yvette may be ready to come back.”

“What is this ‘belly-up’? What real estate bubble? What is a ‘bubble’?”

“Oh my. Where have you been for the past year?”

“I have been right here, smoking Gauloises and viewing the Seine.”

“So you don’t know the whole world economy is in trouble?”

“Well, my father, he has shrunken the allowance, and the bank wants rent, but otherwise everything is OK.”

“You don’t know about the credit crisis in Greece?”

“Greece? Who cares?”

“But J.J., the Euro is at risk, and there is concern that the whole European Union may collapse.”

“Because of Greece?”

“So you don’t know about the P.I.G.S.?”

“You mean like les cochons? Are you calling the Greeks the pigs?”

“No, no. P.I.G.S. is an acronym, it stands for Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain. Those are countries in deep financial trouble…”

“What is this ‘acronym’?”

“It’s a word made from the first letters of other words that is easy to remember, and sometimes has symbolic meaning, as in this case.”

“So you are calling all of these people pigs?”

“No. Well, sort of. You see, all these countries are running large deficits, kind of like you and your allowance, and if they don’t stop, they won’t be able to borrow any more money, and if the rest of Europe doesn’t bail them out, they will probably default and the value of the euro will drop a lot. That’s about as simple as I can make it.”

“I do not understand.”

“Things will cost more.”

“Sacré bleu! Where will I get the money? I cannot pay more. The allowance, she is never enough now. I will go on strike.”

“From what? Besides, that is what the Greeks, Spanish and Portuguese are doing now. Their governments are talking about freezing wages, reducing retirement benefits and even raising taxes, but the workers don’t want those things, so they will try to shut down the economies.”

“How will this help?”

“That’s an intelligent question, especially from you. It won’t. Somehow, the rest of the E.U. has to pound some sense into the P.I.G.S.”

“Does this include la belle France?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it does.”

“The E.U., she is in big trouble. What about America? Cannot you Yanks save Europe once again?”

“Actually J.J., I think you’re out of luck this time. I have another acronym for you: U.S.A.”

“But that does not mean anything.”

“Exactly.”

Fred Wolferman lives in Southern Pines. Contact him by e-mail at fwolferman@sbcglobal.net.