Do We Have to Watch It? No More Blubbering, Please

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

In a commercial, a Rod Serling clone wanders sidewise into the camera lens and asks, "Does a former drill sergeant make a terrible therapist?" And then some wimpy geek mumbles, "And that's why yellow makes me sad, I think."

That's when R. Lee Ermey, who plays a Marine drill sergeant in way too many TV programs, lets him have it. "You know what makes me sad?" he yells. "You do! Maybe we should chug on over to namby-pamby land, where maybe we could find some self-confidence for you, you jack wagon! ... Tissue?"

Ermey responds to the crybaby in the commercial with the same indignity I would have used if I'd interviewed John Boehner on "60 Minutes" a couple of Sundays ago. "Hey, John, pull yourself together. Eight trillion people are watching you blubber on their television sets! For God's sake, has anybody got a hanky?"

Before you whip out your poison pen - I can see you dipping it into the venom as I type - hear me out.

I don't object to a man crying. We all have reason to shed a genuine tear now and then. Friends and loved ones die - or worse, they betray us. We suffer emotional and financial setbacks on a regular basis. Our children disappoint, our wives and husbands run off to join the circus, our faithful dog expires, the world goes wrong in multitudinous ways. We're even inclined to cry at happy things - movies, paintings, music, books, graduations, weddings, births, etc.

I believe, too, that some people are simply prone to crying at the least provocation. Their tears are not contrived or devious or manipulative; their brains are reacting to stimuli. They can't help it. I say, let them cry; clean out those tear ducts. It does the rest of us good to observe an honest emotion once in a while.

And Lord knows, there have been a lot of tough guys who have cried their eyes out. Ulysses S. Grant sobbed after the Battle of the Wilderness - but it wasn't on a TV news program that was being watched by much of the planet. No, Grant sat down beneath a tree and wept all by his lonesome. He knew the majority of the soldiers in the Army of Potomac weren't watching their iPhones at that hour.

My reaction to Boehner's tears was much more basic. When he broke down on "60 Minutes," I couldn't help but ask myself: Am I going to have to watch this guy contort his face in excruciating agony and listen to him weep uncontrollably for the next two years?

If so, allow me the pleasure of tossing out my TV, radio and paper media as soon as possible. I just don't want to hear it. Or see it.

I have to admit that I have a similar knee-jerk reaction to Sarah Palin's voice.

I don't agree with most of what she espouses, even when I can figure out what she's saying, which isn't often. But I'm not bothered by that. There are lots of folks I don't agree with. What I dread is having to listen to Palin spew her nonsensical gobbledygook in that syrupy, fingernails-down-the-chalkboard Alaskan drawl - or whatever the hell you call the high-pitched, semi-literate warbling she emits. When Palin is talking on my TV, I wonder: Where the hell is Elvis when I need him to blast my cathode-ray tube?

And the same goes for Mitch McConnell, the enraged gerbil. He strikes me as a little too serious for his own good - and for ours. I don't even want to look at him.

So what I'm admitting to is unwarranted intolerance. Father, forgive me; I can't help myself. But I believe it's better to own up than to go through life secretly harboring prejudices that I'm incapable of overcoming.

It's a crying shame, but each of us answers for the face he wears.

Stephen Smith's most recent book, "A Short Report on the Fire at Woolworths," is available at The Country Bookshop. He can be reached at travisses@hotmail.com.

More like this story

dustyrhoades 2 years, 5 months ago

"Enraged gerbil"--perfect. Good one, Steve.

bigD 2 years, 5 months ago

"We all have reason to shed a genuine tear now and then. Friends and loved ones die - or worse, they betray us. We suffer emotional and financial setbacks on a regular basis. Our children disappoint, our wives and husbands run off to join the circus, our faithful dog expires, the world goes wrong in multitudinous ways. We're even inclined to cry at happy things - movies, paintings, music, books, graduations, weddings, births, etc"

As a former Marine I have gotten choked up over pride in and love for my country. These should also make the list of reasons a man might shed a genuine tear.

BTW, I wouldn’t want to be the person that calls me a namby pamby during one of these emotional moments.

JER 2 years, 5 months ago

Man, I love the way Stephen Smith thinks and how he expresses it.

OldSpook 2 years, 5 months ago

Okay Steve, remember when you’re ready to go postal because everything looks bleak and the Northern Screechy bird is at her worst things are worse for someone else. After all, there is a Mr. Pelosi. (if you don’t get it, imagine Nancy Pelosi wearing a bikini)

fugitiveguy 2 years, 5 months ago

"Are there any un-biased writers on staff for the pilot?"

Surely you can't be serious.

Satch2929 2 years, 5 months ago

Sounds like a bunch of "sour grapes" to me. Who among us can stand to see Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid in any emotional state without getting the dry heaves?

Arestorer 2 years, 5 months ago

@Satch2929 Two more people I cant comment on because of the Pilots posting policy..

fugitiveguy 2 years, 5 months ago

Don't forget Barney Frank.

OldPilot 2 years, 5 months ago

Funny and well taken. Blubbering Boehner, the Quitta from Wasilla and the Conn. What a trifecta.

jimt 2 years, 5 months ago

Tip O'Neal, Reagan's sometime drinking buddy after hours, used to tell the following anecdote:

He was urging Reagan to support the continuation of Federal subsidized tuition loans for low income kids who managed to stay in school, did well in high school and got into college. The program cost about $100 million in early 1980's dollars. Reagan wanted to zero budget it, as did Republicans in Congress.

O'Neal argued that the government had, in essence, made a bargain with these kids, "you get into college, and your government will loan you the money to pay your tuition at lower than market interest rates so you can afford it." He raised his voice, frustrated with Reagan's lack of sympathy with this argument, and buoyed by a few tumblers of Scotland's finest, no doubt, "what about that little black girl who now won't be able to go to college, what do we tell her?" Reagan turned to an aide and said, "get that girl's name and address from Tip later and let's see what we can do to help her." At this O'Neal really exploded...."I'm not talking about just one girl, I'm talking about several thousand young boys and girls like her!." "Oh," said Reagan, "I just don't think it's the government's responsibility to help them, I mean, where does it end."

Boehner strikes me as Reagan is this regard. He'll cry as he recounts his success story and how he want's "the little guy," to have the same chance at success as he did. He just doesn't think it's the government's responsibility to help any of these little guy's. That's a defensible argument I suppose. Me, I go with Tip's.

nothingspecial 2 years, 5 months ago

No coincidence that the three folks who irritate Mr. Smith are Republicans/Conservatives, I notice with my laser like intellect. I must admit there's also no coincidence why my three most irritating people are Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barney Frank.

Bigpig 2 years, 5 months ago

What is it about Barney Frank? Is it simply because he Gay?

nothingspecial 2 years, 5 months ago

He's gay you say?

sgmartin 2 years, 5 months ago

The Pilot as Left Wing Gazette? You must be joking. I have to look long and hard for anything tilting left. Thank God for Dusty and Steve. They are like a breath of fresh air. Thanks for the needed laugh Steve. Yes we all have our own prejudices. At least let's call them what they are.

fugitiveguy 2 years, 5 months ago

"I have to look long and hard for anything tilting left."

Surely you can't be serious!

irkim13 2 years, 5 months ago

Who are the Conservatives SGMartin?

injuredlist 2 years, 5 months ago

Rod Serling. R. Lee Ermey. John Boehner on "60 Minutes." Why people cry. Ulysses S. Grant. Sarah Palin. Elvis. Mitch McConnell.

Wow. Reading that article was like listening to Dick Vitale calling a basketball game.

hotdiggity 2 years, 5 months ago

Let's see. there is Steve Bouser, Paul Dunn, Scott Mooneyham, Chris Fitzsimon, Kevin Smith, D. C. Martin, along with that old lawyer that writes once in a while, to be included with Rhoades and Steven Smith. Oh yeah, don't forget Heim. They are all pretty much socialist, left wing columnist. I would say this paper is leaning towards the left. Really the only good thing going for it is that guy with the 'Hollywood Hair'.

Sally244 2 years, 5 months ago

OMG You've got to be kidding!

dustyrhoades 2 years, 5 months ago

"along with that old lawyer that writes once in a while,"

Hey, who you callin' old!?

""to be included with Rhoades and Steven Smith."

Oh.

Never mind.

coffecreme 2 years, 5 months ago

Love it Steve and spot on!

JohnChappell 2 years, 5 months ago

I guess there must be some payoff — possibly political, possibly social, probably emotional — for misdescribing people as “left” or “leftist” or “socialist” these days. Trouble with getting older is memory. I remember when we did have an active leftist movement in this country.

Several of them.

In the 1960s and ’70s we had Students for a Democratic Society (SDS) and their more radical sibling the Weatherman Faction — or The Weathermen, or Weather Underground Organization (WUO) — and lots of others. We had Trotskyites and avowed Communists, and these were the youth groups.

There were also active leftist organizations dating back to the early days of the 20th Century and still working to bring their dreams to reality.

Where the hell did they go? Dusty Rhoades? Bouser? D.C Martin — are you mad?

Okay, Martin's sister did work with Charles and Shirley Sherrod in Albany; but that's not very far to the left. In my view, she was on the side of truth marching on, not error.

Too bad we don't really have a Left in the USA any more. If we did, it would be harder to smear centrists and progressives with that tag. And it would be helpful to us all to hear their voice, even if we disagree.

Especially if we disagree.

Sometimes you do need “a Weatherman to know which way the wind blows.”

moonchild7 2 years, 5 months ago

Does anyone remember seeing John Boehner crying over the site of all those people on rooftops in New Orleans waving flags that said "HELP"? ANYONE? I don't. Mr. Boehner, get some anti-depressants quick, before the new congress checks itself in and you are constantly on camera crying and yelling, "NO!"

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