Dear Santa … What I Really Want This Year
I have really been trying to be good this year, Santa, I promise I have.
I have quit talking like Kyle Busch quite so much. I have quit partaking in Matt Kenseth’s and Kevin Harvick’s sponsors’ product. During the week anyway. I have quit driving like Carl Edwards when people make me angry on the road. I haven’t breached any contracts like the people at Red Bull (allegedly).
So since I have been such an angel this year, I will be looking for all the things on my list.
Don’t disappoint me, fat man.
I want soft walls for Rockingham Speedway. With soft walls, come NASCAR.
I want the fifth spot in the Phillies rotation. I was a terrible pitcher, but with that first four, it wouldn’t matter a bit.
I want the laptop with “CAM NEWTON” scrawled on it that the Heisman Trophy winner tossed from the window when the police showed up.
I want the biggest piece of crap car that I can turn into a racecar for the second running of the Chump Car race at Rockingham. The crappier the better. After big plans for the race this year, the car and the team fell through so there was no racing to be had.
I want part of the Metrodome roof. We can inflate that bad boy and cover my backyard.
I want people to actually show up at the NASCAR Hall of Fame. From what I hear, the place is actually pretty cool.
After they leave there, I want them to show up at Rockingham for all the races that will be going on there in 2011.
I want the strength and conditioning coach job for the New York Jets. I hear it may be available.
I want a Ray Lewis Snuggie. Stab people in comfort.
I want the difference between what the Nationals paid Jason Werth and what he is actually worth. I could retire.
I want Eddie Gossage’s beard. And some of his promoting skills.
I want the New Orleans Hornets. They can be bought pretty cheap.
I want some warm weather. I don’t do cold. I’m tropical by nature.
I want Jeff Burton and Jeff Gordon to take some boxing or MMA lessons before they embarrass themselves again.
Finally, I want someone to please, please give Ward Burton a ride. My NASCAR would be better with weekly Ward.
That’s all I’ve got. Merry Christmas y’all.
Contact Andy Cagle at email@example.com.
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