Don't ever let it be said that the United States Golf Association isn't interested in doing everything it can to grow the game of golf.

Golf, like almost every industry in the country, is suffering from the recession, which goes from dire to drastic, to recovering, to crisis on a daily basis.

But not to worry, fellow duffers. The latest word is that the USGA has been offered help from the government in solving this dilemma that has afflicted courses around the world. Take heart, there is light at the tend of the tunnel.

Hear that whistle blowing?

Ahhh yes, Big Brother is on the way with the answer to all the woes of golf courses that have been struggling for the past couple of years. The USGA, which is operated by avid volunteers who spend their own money to promote the game and give us all those wonderful national championships, no longer has to sweat over how its programs will survive.

Big Government is here in the form of a committee formed by Lady Nancy Pelosi, headed by the great Barney Frank and co-chaired by none other than the benevolent Chris Dodd that has spent at least minutes working out a solution to the game's problems.

The USGA, which must have breathed an audible sigh of relief at having its organization taken over by such a learned, sophisticated and compassionate group of our nation's most esteemed lawmakers, has issued the following:

To: All golfers

From: The USGA (With guidance from our Big Government Committee)

Re: New Stimulus Rules of Golf

We are using this opportunity to announce some MAJOR rule changes in the game of golf. This is only a preview, as the complete Rules Book, which will contain more than 11,000 pages, is being written now by our new BGC partners. Here are a couple of basic changes:

Golfers with handicaps below 10 will have their greens fees increased by 35 percent.

Golfers with handicaps between 11 and 18 will see no increase in greens fees.

Golfers with handicaps above 18 will play for free and be given a rebate from the course played.

Money for all wagers will be collected prior to playing. The dollar amount for bets will be determined as follows:

For handicaps below 10, an additional $10 must be anted up.

For handicaps between 11 and 18, there will be no additional amount.

For handicaps above 18, golfers will receive the total amount in the pot and do not even have to play.

The term "gimme" putt will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:

Golfers with handicaps below 10, no entitlements.

Golfers with handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter-length putts.

Golfers with handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to putt. Just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that final scores of all players will be at about the same level.

In addition, a player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie and/or six pars during a round of 18 holes. Any excess of this is to be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par.

Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par can that player begin to count his score again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to redistribute the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18-handicap players will post only a "net score" against every other player's gross score.

These new Rules of Golf are intended to change the game of golf. Golf must be about fairness only. It should have nothing to do with ability.

Hot dang! Golf is finally on board with the rest of our fair-minded Big Government programs.

Ain't it wonderful? I can't wait to present these new rules to the Gates Four Gangsome. Ol' W.C. is gonna love paying me for a change.