DUSTY RHOADES: There Will Still Be Plenty of Nuttiness to Write About
After the election, a lot of folks have been coming up to me and saying things like, "I guess now you don't have anything to write about." To which I say "au contraire," which is French for "of the contraire." I think.
My favorite targets, the right-wing crazies and political hysterics I have so much fun mocking, didn't vanish in a puff of smoke on Nov. 5, more's the pity. In fact, it seems like the loonier members of the GOP are just gearing up for some real Grade-A wingnuttery.
Take, for example, Rep. Paul Broun of Georgia, who expressed, out loud, the fear that Barack Obama may be about to create an American Gestapo.
"It may sound a bit crazy and off base," Broun said, presumably while sober, "but the thing is, he's the one who proposed this national security force. I'm just trying to bring attention to the fact that we may have a problem with that type of philosophy of radical socialism or Marxism."
Here's a hint for future reference, Congressman. When you begin a sentence with the words "It may sound a bit crazy and off base," maybe you ought to just stop right there, because you're probably right. I'm not saying there aren't some crazy conspiracy theorists in the liberal camp; I'm just saying that most of our loonies are content to just blog or chain themselves to stuff. We just don't elect as many of them to the U.S. Congress.
Then, of course, there's the National Rifle Association, which has spent millions portraying Barack Obama as a Big Scary Gun Confiscator, despite the fact that Obama has not made gun control an issue and has barely mentioned it in the campaign. So much so that the day after the election, gun dealers report sales that rival the week before Christmas and the week before hunting season combined.
Which, actually, is cool with me. I have friends in the firearms business, and I like to see them do well. I would point out, however, that gun manufacturers and dealers are major NRA supporters, so you may want to consider who benefits financially from an NRA campaign that scares people into thinking they won't be able to buy guns or ammo after January. Just a little food for thought.
Actually, though, there is a sad side to all this fearmongering. The National Review's David French wrote a tear-jerking column in which he talked about how his "almost 10-year-old" daughter was quietly crying in her room on election night. When asked what was the matter, the little girl tearfully explained, "Daddy, I heard that Barack Obama wants to bring all the troops home from Iraq, and that we might lose the war."
Yes, that's right, folks. That bastion of conservative thought, The National Review, says that that mean old Barack Obama made a little girl cry. Aren't you sorry you voted for him now?
Actually, Mr. French, let me enlighten you: Your little girl isn't crying because of Barack Obama. Your little girl is crying because you, you twisted right-wing freak, have been filling your child's head with the same kind of irrational fear you've been trying to peddle to the rest of us. It's bad enough when you and your kind try to scare the American electorate with your fabricated bogeyman. To terrify your own child with it, and then use her as column fodder, is unconscionable.
But I digress.
Finally, I'll always have stuff to write about so long as Bill Kristol, the affable boob who's become the grinning face of the Far Right, continues his never-ending stream of utter BS.
In his New York Times column and his never-ending talk show appearances, Kristol continued to make the case that Honorable John McCain could still win the election.
Of course, this is the same guy who told everyone that the Iraq War would cost at most $200 billion dollars, that everyone in the Middle East would respect us afterwards, and that "we'll be vindicated when we discover the weapons of mass destruction."
I've made this offer before, and I'll make it again: Give me Bill Kristol's job. All of it: the New York Times column, the talk show appearances, the whole thing. I can be consistently wrong, just like he is, and here's the kicker: I'll do it for half of whatever he's charging you.
So fear not, my good friends. Even though it's morning in America again, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, there's a bright golden haze on the meadow, and all that sort of rot, there will always be things around that redline the BS meter. I'll always have some wingnut to mock.
You don't get rid of me that easy.
Dusty Rhoades lives, writes and practices law in Carthage.
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