STEPHEN SMITH: Recalling Rounds' Bunny Tale
So it's Easter Day and I've gotten requests for the Easter story Glen Rounds told me years ago.
Before you read it to the kids, keep in mind that this charming fable is an anti-Easter Easter story.
The text is transcribed from an audio tape and is slightly abbreviated to conform to length restrictions. If you'd like the full text, flash me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org, and I'll forward it.
"It all started years ago when somebody mentioned mad March hares. Why would the hares go mad in March? Nobody knew. It might be part of March or into April, this madness with the hares.
"So this old rabbit, he's an old-timer, sees this paper go blowing across and right down in front of him. It was The Pilot, I think, and he looked down at that thing and all of a sudden he makes some strange noises, jumps about three foot in the air and takes off screaming as much as a rabbit can scream and bumping into sagebrush and cactus and stuff. And the other rabbits who hadn't been inoculated said, 'What the hell ails him?'
"The paper said something about Easter being 13 days away, and when the older rabbits saw this they commenced to have fits. Why did the mention of Easter drive these rabbits into madness? It was always the older ones that went mad. So I researched and ran it down and what I found was the old rabbits who'd been through a lot of Easters who were going into this madness.
"Well, it was simple enough! You know yourself that everybody's going out for the Easter bunny. They have Easter egg hunts in the churches and the President of our United States, if he's not too busy this year, will have an Easter egg hunt. It's the Easter bunny laying all these eggs! Now birds go around laying eggs in the most unsuitable places and in that color and this. But rabbits don't lay eggs unless they've been forced to do it.
"Compare the anatomy of a bird with a rabbit, and the bird is especially made to excrete an egg very neatly -- and enjoy it! But a rabbit isn't made like that. Not only are they forced to lay eggs about this size but in various colors. A lot of people see an old rabbit and he looks like hell and they say, 'He must have been hit by a car.' Car hell! He just got through laying a dozen Easter eggs. I got drawings of a rabbit that went through two seasons of laying eggs like that, and he can hardly get around.
"After a rabbit has laid an egg, he's never the same. It does something to their psyches, and it does something to their egg-laying parts. So what we're trying to do is say, 'Please, look, Why? If you want Easter eggs in colors, the birds will lay them everywhere. Let the birds do it; they enjoy laying eggs.' If we don't do something we'll end up with a world full of bad rabbits.
"So we need to go to the churches and the President of the United States, well-meaning people, but where the hell they got the idea it was the business of rabbits to lay eggs I don't know! So I'm forming an organization that says write to your friends, 'Save the Easter Bunny!' And then send five cents to me, that's all a membership costs, and I'll put up big billboards that say, 'SAVE THE EASTER BUNNY!' We need a concerted effort by everybody. See, they have a law about you can't abuse a dog; it's cruelty to animals but nobody's worried about saving the Easter bunny's butt. Five cents isn't too much to contribute."
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