RAYMOND REID: Things That Should Be Brought Back
A Web site dubbed walletpop.com has come up with its top 25 list of things that need to make a comeback.
Among its list are the following:
Gas Attendants (No. 13). You all know that one of my pet peeves is convenience stores where nothing is ever convenient. These days you pump your own $4 per gallon gasoline (after you pre-pay) and then thank them to which they reply, "No problem."
But the odds of gas attendants coming back to pump your gas, check your oil and clean your windshield are about even with those of the Cubs winning the World Series; getting a call from Publishers Clearing House that you've won a zillion dollars; and Porky Pig sprouting wings.
Chrome (No. 16) brought back a lot of memories. Remember shining your bumpers with chrome polish before picking up your sweetie and heading to the drive-in (No. 14)? And if you were a sweetie-in-waiting back in those days you may have been sipping a grape Nehi soda (No. 25) while writing a note in cursive (No. 9).
And if you had a flat tire on the way home from the drive-in (great excuse for getting home late) you simply replaced it with a full-size spare (No. 8) instead of a doughnut tire.
Remember milkshakes (No. 12)? If you think they're still at McDonald's (or anywhere else for that matter), think again. Because today's milk shakes are not made with, wellmilk. They're made with nonfat milk solids, corn syrup, dextrose and cellulose. So think about that the next time you're washing down your fried apple pie (No. 10) because it's missing something, too: Fat.
You see, McDonald's stopped frying its pies in 1992 (so much for lard, No. 22 on the list) and started baking them.
Vowels came in at No. 23. Thanks to text messaging or "texlish," vowels have gone the way of the I.O.U.
Other things on the walletpop.com list included 45-RPM records (No. 11), Home and Garden magazine (No. 24), easy packaging (No. 3) and "The Far Side," by Gary Larson (No. 1).
The walletpop.com list prompted me to come up with a list of my own. But my list isn't about what needs to come back, but what needs to go away. And though I can think of hundreds of things that need to go away, I'll pare this list down to just my Top 5.
No. 5) Vanity License Plates. There's already way too much vanity in our society. Soyou don't need to reveal anything about yourself to me, "PRCHR 1," I LUV CATS," PHDS-2" "HRD DRIVE" and COSMO GRL." because I don't care.
No. 4) Bumper stickers and magnets that brag about how smart your kids are. Wouldn't it be refreshing to see a bumper sticker that said, "My kids are idiots but I love them anyway"? Or"My Three Kids are Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest."
No. 3) Golf Ball Retrievers. If you can't afford to lose a golf ball, maybe you should try bowling. I've never seen anyone lose a bowling ball.
No. 2) Visible Tattoos and Body Piercings. These are especially unattractive on young women, and I'm just not OK with it. On the other hand, if you're a 300-pound Hell's Angel Harley stud, and you're pierced and tattooed head to toeI'm OK with it, dude!
No. 1) Casual Fridays. These need to go away forever. Casual Fridays, in my opinion, have become Casual Every Day, and I'm not OK with it. Women need to start dressing like ladies and men need to start dressing like gentlemen. Lose the sneakers and jeans and start wearing dresses and suits.
In other words, like my mother always said, "Look like you are somebody."
On the other hand, if you're a 300- pound Hell's Angel Harley stud and you wear nothing but tank tops, leather pants and bandanasI'm OK with it, dude!
Raymond Reid can be contacted at email@example.com.
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