The house is finally quiet. The kids are back at school. Summer 2008 is all over but the Labor Day picnic. Time to tally up the numbers

-- Number of times before Memorial Day I remarked, "You know, honey, I sure am looking forward to a slow and relaxing summer this year": At least 50.

-- Actual days that were slow and relaxing following Memorial Day: None that I can recall.

-- Cost to fill up my car when gas reached $4 per gallon in early July: $52.

-- Number of days I rode to work on the second-hand bike I purchased to send a message to oil companies: Exactly 1.

-- No. 1 reason why I rode it only once: The header I took when I tried to wave to a neighbor, caught my pants cuff in the chain and did an embarrassing somersault over the handlebars.

-- Number of days I limped to work after nasty bike accident: 20 or so before I gave up and just drove.

-- Amazing number of cable channels available on our new High Definition cable unit: 610.

-- Number I'm able to access without teenager assistance to operate remote: 0.

-- Times I promised my wife I would finally address the impossibly cluttered garage problem: At least 20.

-- Actual time spent addressing the impossibly cluttered garage problem: 45 seconds.

-- Number of times I promised the gang we'd go to the beach for a "whole week of fun in the sun": A dozen, give or take.

-- Number of days we actually went to the beach: 1 and 1/2.

-- "Hey, everybody, what do you say we go to the beach for a whole week of fun in the sun -- next year!" Translation: When gas is cheaper and I'm less so.

-- Amount of weight I vowed to drop at the start of summer: 20 pounds.

-- Amount of weight shed from carrying a player standard during 100-degree heat at the U.S Amateur: 10 pounds.

-- Amount of weight put back on after consuming a cold six-pack of Bud Light Lime after nearly dying of heat exhaustion while carrying a standard at the U.S. Amateur in 100-degree heat: 10 pounds.

-- Amount of weight I still vow to drop here at the end of summer: 20 pounds.

-- Average longevity of a new jumbo box of Yogurt Burst Cheerios with teenage children in the residence: 17 minutes.

-- Average longevity of a new jumbo box of Yogurt Burst Cheerios with parents only in residence: 6-8 months.

-- Number of fully paid theater admissions to "Batman: The Dark Knight" by teenage residents of home: 12. Family teenage consensus: "Greatest film ever made. Heath Ledger for Best Actor!"

-- Number of fully paid theater admissions to "Batman: The Dark Knight" by parental residents of home: Once was plenty. Family parent consensus: "Isn't that the same joker my daughter's been going out with?"

-- Average summer bedtime of household teenagers: Unknown data.

-- Average summer bedtime of household parents: 9:15 p.m.

-- Time spent by household teenagers laughing at miniature Chinese gymnasts and watching the live telecast of historic Beijing Olympics by teenage residents: 192 hours. Like the Internet, they never really never sleep.

-- Approximate number of hours spent watching live telecast of historic Beijing Olympics by household adults: 0. (The gymnasts were on past our bedtime.)

-- Number of expensive sirloin steaks cooked on fancy new outdoor gas grill: 20-25.

-- Number of expensive sirloin steaks inadvertently turned into inedible chunks of carbon because of owner's refusal to read instruction booklet: 20-25.

-- Number of eyebrows burned off because of improper lighting technique: 2.

-- Typical weekly grocery bill without household teenagers in residence: $120.

-- Typical weekly grocery bill with teenagers in residence: $975.

-- Number of basic personal-care products (soap, shampoo, deodorant, etc.) used by younger household teenagers on daily basis: Little or no usage determined.

-- Most commonly used parental expression to younger household teenagers regarding apparent lack of basic personal care products: "You guys smell like a walking locker room. When did you last take an actual shower?": 128 times.

-- Most commonly used response by younger household teenage residents: "Uh, yesterday I think. But I can't be sure. Besides, mom, we're on summer vacation.": 128 times.

-- Number of successful foul balls caught by fleet-footed youngest family member during Fayetteville Swampdogs game: 1.

-- Number of irate fans threatening bodily harm to the oldest family member who inadvertently spilled the entire contents of a jumbo grape drink on a row of patrons while attempting to lunge for same foul ball: 10 or 12, counting the drink vendor who dropped his tray.

-- Number of times household males (all ages) forgot to flush or thoughtlessly left toilet seat up: Lost count.

-- Times female household members threatened to retaliate by feeding the TV remote to the dogs: Apparently not enough to make an impression.

-- School tuition, textbooks, new clothes, mad money: You don't want to know.

-- Cost of summer-ending family farewell supper before everyone went back to school or college: $150.

-- Number of times since then I've complained, "Gosh, honey, this house is way too quiet. I sure miss the kids.": Already lost count.

Best-selling author Jim Dodson, The Pilot's writer-in-residence, can be reached by e-mail at jasdodson@thepilot.com.