JOE PIPER: Cook Serves Up Spicy Limerick
Despite the excitation of the holidays, our determined readers took the time to came up with many clever resolutions for the new year.
The best one was submitted by Anne Cook, our Limerick Laureate for January. Her verse:
This year I resolve to go mad.
I've earned it -- my husband's a cad!
He took all our money
And found a new honey,
What's left -- but to find a new lad!
Anne is originally from San Antonio, Texas. She and her husband, Peyton, have lived in Southern Pines for the past 13 years. They were attracted to this area when he was stationed at Pope Air Force Base.
She attributes her penchant for writing limericks to her grandmother, an avid practitioner of the art. Her hobbies include reading, knitting, bridge and pool aerobics.
When I cautiously asked if her hilarious limerick was pure fiction, Anne said, "Oh yes. My husband's no cad, he's a darling!"
Many of the entries were about losing weight and eating better. Vince Connolly of Southern Pines thoughtfully prescribed dieting for the fair sex.
This year she resolves to eat less
For her waistline's becoming a mess.
She will count every bite,
Be it low cal or lite,
And she won't have to buy a new dress.
Not that Vince dealt sparingly with himself.
Now Santa has gone on his way
With very few treats on his sleigh.
I thought it just dandy
To eat Christmas candy
Until I found out what I weigh.
Ted Atwood of Seven Lakes also had Santa on his mind.
This year I resolve to get slimmer
With a silhouette noticeably trimmer
No more Santa Claus belly
No quick snacks from the deli
My grim diet is going to get grimmer!
Ted went on to provide us with another belly laugh.
This year I resolve to be shrewda
Than a gal I once met in Bermuda
Who swam out to sea
Meeting her destiny
In the belly of a big barracuda!
It seems that Wallace Stefany of Southern Pines, much like Oscar Wilde, can resist anything but temptation.
This year I resolve to rebuff
Resolutions and all of that stuff.
I sow but not reap'em,
For I never can keep 'em,
And temptation keeps calling my bluff.
As for Kendra McGirt of Pinehurst, one admires her steely determination.
This year I resolve to be fat
It seem to be that's where it's at.
Being thin is a sin
I'll eat till I purr like a cat.
J.B. Smith exhorted herself with this rhyme:
This year I resolve to be smart
And take better care of my heart.
Should it start derailing
I'll surely be ailing;
Now diet and exercise start!
In Carthage, Ken Layton impatiently waited for Mama.
This year I resolve to eat nothing sweet,
No heavy starches, no fatty meat.
I'll use my will power
(For about an hour)
Til Mama calls, "Come on, let's eat.""
Regina Armswood of Pinehurst is a study in grim realism.
This year I resolve to get thin,
To lose one of the chins from my chin.
But with each passing year
It's becoming more clear
That in trying to lose, I can't win.
And Betty Jarvis of Aberdeen accepted her fate breezily.
This year I resolve, as before,
To makes changes and do much more
But an errant breeze
Wafting through the trees
Blows all my resolve out the door.
Have our talented readers inspired you to try your hand at writing a limerick? If so, the first line for the contest ending in January is "To endure winter's raw, bitter chill..."
Think of diversions to pass the time as you wait for spring: train your cat to fetch sticks, collect the largest ball of gum, decipher a Peruvian quipu.... The results will be published on Feb. 25.
Now for February's contest, with results appearing on March 25. That's only four days after spring, so our first line will key on that glorious event: "This spring you are likely to see..." What? A skirt rising well above knee? A golf swing that's short off the tee? A bird shopping 'round for a tree? Turn in the best and become Limerick Laureate.
E-mail your verses to email@example.com, or mail them to Limericks, The Pilot, PO Box 58, Southern Pines, NC 28388. By submitting verses, you agree to have them edited and published at any time without compensation.
Joe Piper, a resident of Seven Lakes, may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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