RAYMOND REID: DWLS: Driving While Looking Stupid
My second book of columns will be out sometime next year. In the meantime, I'm busy on another book called, "101 Things I Wouldn't Be Very Good At."
Granted, there are a lot more than 101 things I wouldn't be very good at. But the 101 number has a certain ring to it, as in "101 Dalmatians"; "101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married"' "101Nights of Great Sex;" and "101 Things To Do With Ramen Noodles."
I know I'll be hearing from my old high school English teachers for ending the title of my book with a preposition, but that's OK. I'll just flatter them by listing English teaching (No. 42) as one of the things I wouldn't be very good at.
That leaves 100 other vocations that wouldn't be my cup of tea, such as being a waiter (No. 19). Now I know that "waiter" is politically incorrect and should be "server" or "waitperson," but P.C. is not something I adhere to.
That's why I wouldn't be a very good school board member (No. 59). When teachers are having to fork over their own money for school supplies, I would howl over spending tax money to change mascots because "Braves" may offend some Native Americans. And howling about what I believe in means I wouldn't be a very good preacher (No. 26).
I don't believe churches should kowtow to P.C. by taking gender and violent references out of hymnbooks. I happen to like "Faith of Our Fathers," and "Onward Christian Soldiers" exactly the way they were meant to be sung. But that doesn't mean I'd be a very good soldier (No. 67).
I'm really more of a lover than a fighter. Maybe that's why I've been married three times. So, I know I wouldn't be a very good marriage counselor (No. 85). However, I once knew a marriage counselor who was already on wife No. 7. I guess he thought experience counted for something.
Of the 101 things I wouldn't be very good at, I would have to rank traffic cop as No. 1. Or should that be a law enforcement officer? Whatever. I believe my performance as a cop would be viewed as "biased." That would be one way to put it. Let's just say if you fit a certain "profile" you would no doubt be on my radar screen. My advice is to blend innot stand out from other drivers.
If your vehicle is stopped and your hubcaps are still spinning, we'd have to have a chat. (Plus, I'd sort of like to see how they work.) Others I would be on the lookout for would be profiled as DWAs (Driving While Ancient). To fit this criterion, you would need to be over 95 and drive either a Cadillac or a Buick. Not picking on old people here, but if you're going 11 miles per hour in the left lane with your right turn signal on, we'd have to talk.
I would also be charging young women with DWAMs (Driving While Applying Mascara) every chance I get. Put your face on at home, honey, before you get somebody killed.
I'd also have an eye out for folks who qualify for DWLSs (Driving While Looking Stupid). Those fitting this criterion would include drivers with dogs on their laps or in the back of their pickups.
DWLSs would also be issued to any man over 50 with his baseball cap on backwards; any woman over 50 who's dressed exactly like her 19-year-old daughter; anybody driving while eating a half-pounder and drinking a Big Gulp; and anyone turning the corner with a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth.
Too many bumper stickers and/or magnet signs get on my nerves, too.
So your daughter is an "Honor Student at blah-blah high school?" Who cares? I just think you're showing off and making dumber people like me feel bad.
So"Get out of the car, ma'am."
Raymond Reid can be contacted at email@example.com
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