ART DERSCH: Limericks Continue to Pour In
It's time for the quarterly limerick crowning; vote for three. The contenders are: All the original limericks published since June 1, except those I wrote.
So dig out those copies of The Pilot you kept, and send me the limerick -- or enough to recognize -- of your favorite one, or two, or three. We'll add them up and crown the favorites. E-mail them to ArtLimericks@aol.com this week.
Special thanks are due to Peg Kirkpatrick, who sent some public-domain limericks that I haven't seen in many years. They include the repetitive-sound "a canner, exceedingly canny" that I'd been looking for, and the delightful abbreviation limericks that make one stop to think. These will appear in mid-month columns.
We were honored to hear from, and receive entries from Lamont "Tommy" Thompson, the longtime editor of this limerick column. We're holding the entries for a special column.
Now to our friends, Jean and Gene.
Joan Smith starts us off with:
I once knew a young girl named Jean,
Who wanted one day to be Queen;
At the Fair, no one frowned
On the day she was crowned
"Miss Broccoli" -- all dressed in green!
Sue Joseph keeps us in stitches:
I once knew a housewife named Jean
Who bought a new sewing machine;
She sewed all her britches
In fine, tiny stitches --
Her envious friends turned pea-green!
Tom O'Brien of Wake Forest marches in with:
I once knew a warrior named Gene --
A cantankerous old-style Marine;
He fought well and hard,
From most saloons he was barred,
So Sunday services became his routine!
Francis Fitzpatrick presents:
I once knew a fellow named Jean,
A Frenchman, calm and serene --
Proud of his fine Gallic name
Like the "Valjean" of fame.
(and not a short form of "Eugene.")
Kendra McGirt brings us a working girl and a playboy:
"I once knew a gal named Jean
Whose house just had to be clean,
She scrubbed hard all day
And never did play --
Perhaps that's what made her so mean!
I once knew a surfer named Gene
He dove in a pool with chlorine --
As he surfaced, we stared
For his natural blond hair
Had been chemically altered to green!"
Larry Meyer recalls:
"I once knew a lady named Jean,
Whose complexion was peaches and cream --
Then she got a big pimple
Right on her dimple,
And Jean became peaches and scream!
John McConnell barks at us:
I once had a hound dog named Gene;
Folks thought he was vicious and mean;
He would run people down
But that lovable houn'
Only wanted to lick them "all clean!"
Jim Cammack, from Fayetteville, is a retired minister and has a pastor's heart and insight.
He loves to read and write limericks, and sent several of his originals, including this, based on a co-worker's positive attitude many years ago:
Gene's ugliness made people gape!
He pinned his ears back with Scotch tape --
When jibed 'bout his face,
He replied with great grace:
He said, "I was kissed out of shape!"
Jack Peterson has a "before and after" or two for us:
I once knew a beauty named Jean
She became our High School Prom Queen --
Lost her youthful beauty
Performing her wifely duty
Now the lovely mother of 13!
I once knew a tough guy named Gene,
Stringbean lean and twice as mean
Met his match in a gal named Tillie
Who on a whim could knock him silly!
They're the most perfect couple I've ever seen!
Joe Piper overcame computer problems to forward these:
I once knew a lady named Jean
Who drank vast amounts of caffeine;
When she stayed awake
For five days by mistake,
Starbucks crowned her the Great Coffee Queen!
I once knew a parrot named Gene
Whose language was mostly obscene;
When ladies would pass,
He'd yell something crass.
Stuffed and mounted, his mouth is pristine!
Larry Meyer sets the tone for next month's contest:
"I once knew a golfer named Gene;
Said he: "I'm a golfing machine!"
But 'twas easy to see
No Gene Littler was he --
When his shots just kept missing the green!
And the winner is: a large tie again, so we're going to use a secret tiebreaker. (You folks are not only good, you're getting better!)
The two winners are: by order of appearance -- "Fine, Tiny Stitches," Sue Joseph, and "Peaches and Scream," Larry Meyer. Everyone else tied for second!
Golf -- the justification for Delta's flights to the local airport; a mainstay of the local economy; a way to get your husband (or wife) out of the house; a course in self-discipline you never finish; a healthy addiction (exercise) -- and the subject of the September limericks.
Your original limerick must be about golf -- your best game, or best shot; your favorite course, and why; the best shot you saw a pro make -- or miss; your favorite club or putter; the dynamics in your foursome; or what your spouse says about golf.
Your first line: "Ah, golf! My favorite ___ ___ ___ -- or, "Ah, golf! The best ____ ____ ______.
So putt your entries up Pennsylvania Avenue to The Pilot, or tee up and fly 'em to ArtLimericks@aol.com.
Art Dersch, a Whispering Pines resident, may be reached at ArtLimericks@aol.com.
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