RAYMOND REID: Fake Rock Spawns Direct Mail Mania
Direct mail marketers must have certain ways to gauge who will buy what. They must surely be on the lookout for folks who buy that one item that says: THESE PEOPLE WILL BUY ANYTHING. LET THE JUNK MAIL BEGIN.
Evidently, that one item is a fake rock. And guess who bought one? The Reids, of course. And since we bought our fake rock, we've received scores of junk catalogs in the mail, including 19 in the last three days.
I can hear the marketers now: "The Reids, at zip code 28374, just spent $58 plus shipping for a fake rock. Our demographic and psychographic research says if you'll buy a fake rock, you'll buy anything."
Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. We just wanted something natural-looking to hide a utility pipe. Our mailbox will never be the same. The mailman used to wave at me. Now he just glares. Thankfully, he's driving a mail truck, and not carrying our 10 pounds worth of junk mail over his shoulder every day.
What are people who buy fake rocks apt to buy?
Well -- Mrs. Fields believes we'll buy a 12-brownie tin for $29.99. Bring 'em on. At just $2.50 per brownie, what's the big deal?
Plus, we can use the tin (probably made in China for 10 cents) over and over.
Heck, to save on shipping, we'll add a Snowman Hat Cake to our Mrs. Fields order. It's just $99.99 and serves a 4-6 people. But the way my family eats it would probably serve just two people.
If everybody comes, the extended Reid family will add up to about 26 people, some of whom I will recognize. (When did he get so fat? When did she marry him? Are these people even at the right house?)
Anyhow, my math says we'll need 13 Snowman Hat Cakes to feed the sweet teeth of the extended Reid family. At $99.99, we'll spend $1,299.87 to have our cakes and eat them too!
Let's see what else would fake rock owners fall for in junk catalogs? The folks at Red Envelope believe we'll jump all over a personalized gingerbread house adorned with "The Reids" and guarded with a snowman doorman for $65.
The direct mail marketers must have told Duluth Trading that fake rock owners have a keen sense of humor. Duluth offers a long T-shirt inside a plastic container labeled, "Crack Spackle. Fight Plumber's Butt." Boy, is that a side-splitter or what?
Wine Country Gift Baskets believes fake rock owners will spring for its "Sky's the Limit" gift basket ($250 plus $13.95 S&H). It includes over two pounds of Godiva chocolate, plus smoked salmon, Russian caviar, strawberry shortcake, truffles, Tazo teas and "much, much more." (Toto, we're not in Hickory Farms anymore).
Lastly, no self-respecting fake rock owner in his right mind could live without a gas-powered blender. Marketers at A.J. Prindle even earmarked page 52 in its holiday catalog. "Wanna be the most popular person at the tailgate party?" The blender ($299) actually has a pull-cord that you have to yank on, like a leaf blower.
Can't you just see me now yanking on my blender at a tailgate party? I'm sure I would be swearing and jumping up and down -- and making a scene.
I can just hear the other tailgaters now: "Is that guy nuts? Who in his right mind would buy a gas-powered blender?"
"Well he is the guy who paid $58 dollars for a fake rock, you know?"
Raymond Reid has a home in Pinehurst. He may be reached at RREID7@triad.rr.com.
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