FRED WOLFERMAN: Why Not Hillary For the U.N. Job?
John Bolton is leaving the United Nations. Too bad. He may have been a flame-thrower, but he was our flame-thrower.
It was nice to know that somebody in that corrupt bureaucratic morass was at least trying to protect our interests while fending off the collective whining and sanctimony of most of its members.
It's hard to tell whether Bolton, George Bush, or both, gave up in the face of a filibuster threat from Senate Democrats, but that bit of political theater is not going to happen, and the president has to find a new sacrificial lamb.
I have just the person. This person is a national, indeed, a global figure. Someone with extensive political experience, and a well-known proclivity for seeking harmony and inclusion. This person will have absolutely no problem being confirmed by the Senate. Indeed, many senators will be jealous to learn that I thought of the idea first. Best of all, this person is a woman.
The name is so obvious, you will not believe you didn't think of it yourself: Hillary Clinton.
"Eureka!" you say. "How brilliant! Why isn't he a presidential adviser?" Good question. Send a letter.
It's not too hard to imagine the upcoming phone call:
"Good morning, senator. This is George. Bush. The President. Of the United States. I was just calling to see how you're doing yes, I understand you're very busy, but this will just take a minute. Fine.
"Listen, we've had this job open up, and I think you'd be perfect for it. Yes, I know you have a job, but let's face it, you're only a senator. This will be a lot better. I want you to replace John at the U.N. Bolton. Yes, he's leaving. Then you should have voted for him. Yes, I know you're a Democrat. Bipartisanship, national healing, that sort of thing. Now, now, don't be petty.
"There are lots of reasons you'll like this. I notice you've been traveling a good deal lately. This job would give you a chance to stay home with Bill. Oh. Well, you could travel even more then, and farther. You could go to Africa and South America, meet lots of folks, study a few of those villages you enjoy so much, heh, heh. I'm sure some of them must have television studios.
"Oh, they don't need you in the Senate. You guys are in charge now anyway. I even asked Kerry and Obama, and they thought sending you to the U.N. was a great idea. McCain too. Oh, no, I don't think they had that in mind at all -- they just know what a great job you'll do. I did, but they weren't interested.
"You know, this is a big responsibility, representing your country in a global arena. Well, no, you won't actually have any direct authority, but don't worry, I'll back you up. You have no idea how important the U.N. is to me. Oh.
"But, senator, what would people think? How do you suppose the headlines would look: 'Hillary Refuses U.N. Post. Third World Aghast.' Mostly poor people. No, you won't see them much at fundraisers.
"Actually, I've already thought of that, but I'm afraid it wouldn't work out. He'd lose too much income if he had to quit giving speeches, and the country just couldn't stand an international incident if he got loose in the secretarial pool at the U.N. How could you possibly keep an eye on him if you're in Washington all the time?
"Wait! Wait! I have it! Here's a stupendous idea -- co-ambassadors. It would be that two-for-one thing all over again. I don't see why not. The First Couple of America becomes the First Couple of the World. The press would love it. You'd be all over the media.
"No, I don't think a U.N. ambassador has ever been president. No, Stevenson never won. Yes, I'm sure; ask him yourself. Oh.
"Well, senator, I think I'll send your name up for confirmation anyway. Think of it as an honor.
"If they confirm you, you have to do it. No, I won't accept your resignation; your country needs you.
"Same to you, senator, and have a nice year."
Fred Wolferman lives in Southern Pines. Contact him by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org
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